


Something Had To Give

by Phoebsfan



Category: Alias (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-04-27
Updated: 2002-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:28:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 38,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24931567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phoebsfan/pseuds/Phoebsfan
Summary: Seven years of fighting and where are we? A trip to Venice leads to more then Syd and Vaughn bargained for.
Relationships: Sydney Bristow/Michael Vaughn
Kudos: 2





	Something Had To Give

_**Prologue** _

_**Why?...Because.** _

"Did you ever watch cartoons when you were a kid?"

Seven years of this hell and she still surprises him.

Grinning he answers her. "Yeah."

She smiles. It's been too long, she realizes. Too long since either one of them smiled. His life, her life, though they were tied together, there was nothing they could do about it.

She should be married with children, Francie was expecting her third. Sydney's smile melts.

Vaughn looks away.

"What's my counter mission?" she asks.

He answers her briefly. The same old story. Seven years worth.

She thought it would be done by now. She thought that things would have changed.

They did change though.

"Be careful." he calls after her, more out of habit then concern.

At one time those words alone would have made her melt. Not anymore.

There's no feeling to them, no thinly disguised concern. They just are.

They both knew that at one time things would have to give.

Things gave alright. Just not in the way they'd wanted them to.

Seven years and they just are.

There's no passion in her movements now, no fire in her attacks. Mechanical, forced, trained. No hope in her counter missions. They just are.

There's no passion in his eyes, his words. Mechanical, forced, trained. No hope in her counter missions. They just are.

Will there be seven more years to follow? Or more still. It won't matter because there's no feelings in it now.

Yet still he watches her go and he can't help but hope she'll be ok and that she'll return to him.

He knows it's hopeless. He knows he shouldn't even dream about holding her in his arms one day and kissing her. He knows that it will never happen and to dream will only disappoint him in the end. But still he watches her.

And she still thinks about that night on the pier when he had simply been there for her.

She knows it will never happen again. He doesn't touch her now. He hasn't for years. But she still remembers how it felt to be in his arms. And she still wonders what it would be like to kiss him.

This time as she walks away, she stops, unlike so many times in the past, she turns to face him.

Her eyes meet his for the first time in months, years possibly. So much distance.

"Why?" she questions. He knows what she's asking. Why should she be careful? Why should she continue? Why did he tell her to be careful? Why can't he look at her anymore? Why is he even still there?

But mostly, why is he so far away from her now?

"Because." he answers. Because she knows she has to. Because SD-6 will be brought down. Because habits die hard. Because it hurts. Because he can't leave.

But mostly, because he loves her.

She doesn't understand. She only nods and turns to go.

They wonder if they will last another seven years.

_**Chapter One** _

_**I know I shouldn't** _

Sydney Bristow.

The name brings so many feelings bubbling to the surface.

My first impression of her was that she was insane, certifiably so. I quickly learned I was wrong. Or am I? Anyone who does what she does must have some sort of illness. Or just a nice big death wish.

Screw her.

The thought brings up more of those images that I shouldn't be having.

After I'd moved past the insane part, I quickly realized that Sydney Bristow was no more insane then I, only hurt and betrayed. That's when things started to change between us.

I know I shouldn't have gone to the pier that night. Even then I was attracted to her, even then when I was still with Alice, I still had thoughts about her. About holding her and making the pain in her eyes go away, if only for a small moment in time.

Things went downhill from there.

Just when I realized that I loved her I don't quite know. It took me awhile, years in fact. But that didn't mean that the tension wasn't there all along.

And now. Well, now we go through the motions.

Much as our relationship should have been all along.

This time it's Italy, Venice to be precise. Next time, who knows. Spain? Portugal? Zaire? Timbucktoo? The moon? Mars?

It really doesn't matter where it is. She couldn't be farther from me then she is in this warehouse, with its chain link prison. Our picket fence dream.

I'd lost count of how many times I'd made love to her in this warehouse. Well made love to her in my mind. In real life I'd never even gotten the opportunity to kiss her.

It's easier now. Somewhere along the way we'd both decided that the tension between us was more then unhealthy, and that to continue with it would get us both killed. So I'd called Alice up and she'd called Will.

And for a year or two we'd both pretended to be happily in love. It had worked to a degree.

What really sealed the deal and killed everything though was when Alice and I had taken that big step into wedded bliss.

Our marriage lasted two years, I don't think Alice liked it when I slipped up and called out Sydney's name.

We'd ended up hurting more then ourselves with that one. Will and Alice had both unwittingly been damaged as well.

But hey it worked to kill the tension.

Sometimes I wished that I would have just thrown Sydney up against the wall and ended the tension that way. But then things would be worse now I think. Because it wouldn't have changed the fact that we still can't be together. Not that she'd want me now.

So now she was going to Venice to retrieve some antidote. Nothing new, she'd done it a million times before, and just like those million times before she'd be switching it for a fake.

I wonder sometimes that we've made it this far, that SD-6 hasn't just terminated Sydney. Even if they don't know she's working as a double agent, she's failed enough times to at least make them suspicious. And though we've gotten her out of trouble like that before... Well it just amazes me that she's still here.

I hear her heels clicking in the distance as she enters the warehouse. My heart doesn't leap or run faster when she enters a room anymore. My eyes don't light up, my arms don't ache to pull her to me. What would be the point in that anyway?

No I've gotten used to the idea that I can't have her and never will be able to.

I slip off my shoes as I enter the warehouse.

It's silly, I know this just as I know I shouldn't be doing what I am going to do, but I do it anyway.

Michael Vaughn.

There he is just sitting on one of those crates brooding.

I know he won't look up until he hears my shoes and that I'm relatively safe standing here watching him. I know I should just turn around, slip my shoes back on, and continue with business as usual.

But it's been so long since I've been able to just stand and watch him and I've had an awful day so I allow myself the small moment in time. It will have to last me for awhile.

I can't risk him finding me watching him. It would only cause trouble.

It isn't something I should be doing as his agent. And we are hell bent on playing those parts.

We're fools. We've been fools. And if we last for seven more years we'll still be fools.

I let my eyes wander over his hunched over form. My gaze is so heated its a wonder he doesn't just melt sitting there.

It has to be this way though. If he ever knew that I still had fantasies about him...

He still wears his wedding ring, though Alice has been gone a little over a year now. I think he does it to remind himself. Or to punish himself.

I don't know. I don't know why they ended up getting a divorce but I do know he blames himself.

I don't know much about him, not that I haven't wanted to learn. But I'm his agent and he's my damn handler, we don't discuss personal things anymore.

I can see his sadness, his ache, the burden that weighs him down. I just want to go to him and rub the hurt out of his shoulders. Kiss the pain from his brow. Whisper that it's ok. That I still love him.

But what is the point in that.

We're right to play our roles. They are all that we will ever have.

I turn around, walk back to the door, and slip my shoes on.

He looks up briefly as I enter.

"Did you ever watch cartoons when you were a kid?" I ask. It's not much but it's something. And I'll settle for whatever I can get from him. Maybe I'll even get a rare smile.

_**Chapter Two** _

_**Venice** _

The room was all decked out. Birthdays must be great when you had enough money to run an entire country. Well that and when you didn't have to lie to every last person you called your friend, didn't have to live a secret life, weren't trying to save the world on a weekly basis. Apparently, even someone as crooked as McKain still had his friends.

I tried not to tug at my dress, I wasn't supposed to mind that the slit ran clear up to the top of my thigh.

Why did SD-6 insist on making me wear these things? I didn't have the nerve to call this scrap a dress. Floor length it may have been, but for all it covered it sure showed a lot. Completely backless except for the two straps that crossed over my shoulders, the lack of material went clear to the middle of my stomach on one side. It's powder blue may have been dazzling, but the expanse of skin I was showing was drawing more attention.

McKain's attention was what I wanted however, pushing the slobbering older and younger viewers away, I made my way to the table that housed the twenty-eight year old who was busy himself, slobbering over a group of women willing to do anything to get their hands on his money.

Twenty-eight, evil was getting younger and younger.

His eyes met mine. And more good looking as well. I didn't have to force the smile.

Now if he wasn't busy making money off thousands of small children I could almost like the man. If he wasn't busy funding experiments tested on unwitting third world countries, he might just be worth my time.

McKain pulled himself away from the army of drooling women, and I sensed him follow me as I started away from his table. He was hooked, this would be easier then I thought.

Now I just had to find my CIA contact and all would be good.

A warm hand came down on the naked skin of my waist and I froze.

"Miss?" a familiar voice accompanied the hand. Swallowing, I turned around to face a waiter, my contact. Pasting on a smile I was not feeling, I grabbed the offered champagne from my pompous plant.

His hand was still on my waist. I noticed then that my gloved hand was shaking as I removed the flute from his tray.

The term handler was going to mean a lot more if Vaughn didn't remove his hand.

Although, he was going to be handled himself after this was over. I was going to hand him his ass on a nice silver platter. What the hell was he doing here?

"Sorry." he muttered quickly removing his hand at my icy stare.

"Thank you." I gritted out past my locked jaw. He nodded averting his eyes, I noticed then that they had been locked on me and the areas of skin my dress didn't cover. I tried not to smile. So Vaughn was male after all.

"You are the sexiest woman I've had the pleasure of not yet meeting." a voice curled in my ear, as it's accompanied breath danced across my currently flushed skin, and a cold hand found the same place Vaughn's had earlier.

This dress begged touch me apparently. That among other things.

I whipped on a smile as I turned to face my fan. McKain. My smile only grew.

"Hello." I responded shyly. McKain drew me closer to him and I let him run his hand up and down my naked side. Even if he was crooked, it had been too long since someone had touched me.

"Fellow American I see. God bless America." McKain whispered in my ear. I smiled and looked away. With a dress like mine, shy would seem all the more alluring.

McKain grabbed the champagne from my hand and placed it back on Vaughn's tray, dismissing him.

I dared to glance at my handler and found that he seemed more tense then before. Almost as if seeing me in another man's arms hurt. I don't believe that it could though. He's my boss. Our relationship was strictly professional, I thought with a bitterness that surprised me.

Averting my eyes, I turned to gaze at McKain, he wasn't all that bad of a picture to look at. He smiled, and something in me cracked a little. Something dark tugged at the edges of that crack, pushing against common sense.

Vaughn's fingers brushed against the small of my back as he brushed by. I wondered if my attentions to McKain were making him jealous, and I decided that tonight I was going to play my role of interest with extra enthusiasm.

"Care to dance?" McKain asked as he led me to the floor, making it clear that it didn't really matter if I cared to dance at all.

Nodding, I followed, maybe a little too eager for my own good.

McKain was taller then me by about half a foot. His hair was a striking copper shade and his eyes a brilliant emerald. He had the build of a swimmer, tall and lean. He had that confident air of a man who doesn't know the word no and a smirk that spoke of his skill at seduction.

And he was using that skill now, I realized as he pulled me to him and started tracing patterns on my back, swaying with the music. I less then reluctantly, placed my arms around his neck and returned the favor.

I was not supposed to be enjoying this. This was a mission not some out of country fling.

Damn it. Where was Dixon? He'd think of a good excuse. If I could just locate him in the crowd then it would be easier for me to pull back. Easier for me to remember why I was here.

But Dixon was nowhere in sight and neither was Vaughn. It was only when I didn't find him, that I realized I'd been looking for Vaughn as well.

"Come home with me." McKain whispered slipping the tips of his fingers under the fabric at my waist. McKain worked fast. To my surprise I didn't pull away.

Vaughn. Somebody. Vaughn. Somebody. My mind raced. If somebody didn't end this right now I would be going home with him.

I was supposed to get him to take me upstairs. To get me past his guards and impenetrable security. Disable him, then hack my way into his office, get the antidote and get out through the back.

Going home with him was not in the equation.

Why did I suddenly want to put it there?

When I didn't answer, he pushed me away slightly. Just enough for him to run his hands up my arms and lock around my neck, cradling my head in his hands he continued.

I shivered at his touch.

"Please." he whispered as his eyes darkened with desire.

Then his lips were on mine.

It was over almost before it began. And then he was looking into my eyes again.

I don't know what possessed me but I pulled him back.

I kissed him. I deepened the kiss. I poured all my repressed passion into that kiss, a full seven years of it. And I hoped that Vaughn was watching. I hoped that he was angry, jealous, hurt, something damn it.

Something besides lost in himself.

Something besides empty.

_**Chapter Three** _

_**Significantly Less Than** _

I tried to keep my eyes off of her. But damn that dress was making it hard.

How many times had I dreamt of touching her? I didn't want to think about that number or the way she had felt under my hand. Warm, toned, soft, silk. For a moment I forgot where I was.

And apparently she was forgetting as well.

She was all over McKain. And she didn't seem to be too bothered by it either.

I was still waiting for her knee to come up and jab him when he tried sticking his hands down her skirt.

And I was well aware that instead of jabbing him she let him continue. He was the one to push her away.

I knew the kiss was coming but I couldn't seem to tear my eyes from her. I watched in torment as he leaned in. Waited in envy as their lips touched. And swore in anger as they stared into each others eyes.

That should have been me.

All logic told me that their kiss was short, barely brushing lips.

But it felt like eternity.

Maybe it would have been easier had she been under more of a disguise, she'd gone wigless this time, SD-6 had seen it fit to throw a few blonde highlights in her hair and let her go as is. Maybe with more of a disguise I could dismiss her obvious attraction toward the man. True, she'd always been a good liar but it was plain to see that she wasn't lying now.

She was kissing him again. A kiss that she initiated.

A kiss that was significantly less then reluctant. Significantly less then innocent or shy. I was waiting for her to just throw him down on the floor and have her way with him right there.

And I'd worried about her being victimized.

My fist clenched at my side. Part of me wanted to bash his brains in, not out of jealousy though, no for her own good. The other part of me wanted to rip her away from him and shake some sense into her.

But yet a third part of me wanted to continue with the shaking sense into her plan, only following it up with a little action of our own.

Yeah, right now I wanted her more than anything else in the world. I was about ready to forget the reasons I didn't have her, forget the mission, go out there knock some sense into both of them, and then whisk her away to some place where we could be alone.

I wasn't jealous. I wasn't angry. I didn't feel betrayed or hurt.

Nope, we had a mission to fulfill and that was why I walked over to them and dumped the tray of champagne on her.

I muttered an apology in Italian trying to hide the smile that crept to my lips and avoid the death glare she was sending me.

Grabbing a towel, I wiped at her dress carefully, restraining myself to an extent that even the Pope couldn't complain about.

"Sorry." I growled as our eyes met. I expected her to get angry and smack me or something. But her eyes were sad.

I couldn't continue to look at her so I bent over to clean up the mess.

"Marking your territory." She whispered as she leaned over to help me pick up some broken glass. I turned to her eyes wide as McKain helped her up and pulled her away. What was that supposed to mean?

"Idiot!" McKain thundered. "Are you ok?" he asked pulling Sydney to his chest. My fist involuntarily clenched around a piece of broken glass and Sydney flinched, looking away. Letting go of the glass I started to apologize profusely.

"Get out!" McKain ordered. Shit. I needed to be here for Sydney to make the switch.

I didn't however get the choice. Two fairly large security guards dragged me out before I could object, and I promptly found myself outside on my ass.

Ok so maybe I had been a little jealous. And maybe the champagne thing could have been avoided.

Time to improvise.

_**Chapter Four** _

_**Cold** _

I had to admit Vaughn had guts. But did he really have to spill alcohol all over me.

I'd had my fair amount of fantasies about him and champagne in the last seven years but I had to admit that this was never part of the equation.

Still I was grateful. It had to mean something. And it did stop me from jumping McKain right then and there. Not that I would have... I think.

But he knew that. He knew that I was losing control and so he'd stepped in. As my damn handler.

Now if he'd come over throwing punches then maybe I wouldn't have held back.

Yeah right, Michael Vaughn defending my honor, getting jealous over me. Maybe at one time but not now. I should just get over that.

"Are you ok?" McKain asked pulling me closer. I managed a brief nod and turned away as Vaughn cut himself on a piece of glass. It looked intentional to me but I could have been mistaken. I mean why would he intentionally cut himself?

Then Vaughn opened his mouth and got himself kicked out. Screw the counter mission right? Damn him.

If he'd just stayed away or gotten someone else to do the job then I wouldn't have been standing there with that problem.

Yeah, I'd be on my way to McKain's house making the biggest mistake of my life. I had to admit it was a good thing Vaughn was here, whether I liked it or not.

McKain rubbed his hands across my back again and suddenly I didn't feel in the mood anymore.

I finally allowed myself to admit that Vaughn's hand felt nicer then McKain's. And Vaughn checking me out meant more then any guy there doing the same.

"You never answered my question." McKain whispered. I tried not to flinch away from his now unwanted touch but found it close to impossible.

"Why don't we go upstairs instead?" I offered. He bought it and smiled as he led me up the stairs and away from the party.

I know he wasn't expecting the jab to his manhood.

"Sorry but I'm just not interested anymore." I offered lamely as I threw one to his face and he landed hard, unconscious

I made it to the safe, removed the antidote, and got out.

I noticed it was freezing out. It didn't seem that cold when I'd arrived.

Vaughn was no where to be seen. I thought he'd be waiting outside for the trade off but apparently he wasn't.

I didn't have time to contemplate it however because Dixon arrived with the van and we headed back to the hotel. Antidote safely hidden in the confines of my purse.

"Did you get it?" Dixon asked as we drove further from the party.

Moment of truth.

"No." I lied. "Security kicked in faster then we thought. I barely made it out with my ass in one piece."

Dixon swore as he pulled to a stop.

"Sydney." he stated questioning if I knew what it meant for SD-6.

"I know. I know, okay. I've got a plan. It'll be ok. Let's just wait until tomorrow. Security will be tighter tonight and they'll be on the lookout for me. It can wait. I'll deal with Sloane." I shivered as he continued down the road toward the boat that would take us the rest of the way to the hotel.

"You cold?" Dixon asked and I nodded, having lost the ability to speak when my teeth started clanking together. "There's a blanket somewhere back there." he offered and I nodded in appreciation Trust Dixon to come prepared.

After I'd wrapped myself up in the blanket and my teeth stopped chattering I let myself worry about Vaughn.

Where was he? Had the security guards done more then just show him out? Was he waiting somewhere for me?

I started to shiver again.

_**Chapter Five** _

_**Unexpected** _

Dixon wanted to walk me to my room but I refused. I just needed to be alone so I could figure out how in the hell I was going to fix my little problem.

And why in the hell was it so freaking cold everywhere. Regrettably, I'd left the blanket with Dixon and put on an "I'm tough" act.

It took me a good five minutes of fumbling with the key to get the door unlocked.

I didn't turn on the light just threw my purse on the bed and followed it down as well grabbing the bedspread and wrapping it around me.

"Did you get it?" Vaughn's deep voice growled in the darkness causing me to shoot up in the bed as I located his voice coming from the corner of the room.

"How the hell did you get in here?" I asked as I walked toward the light and flipped it on.

Sure enough he was sitting in the corner looking amused.

"Wasn't all that hard actually." he replied smugly. Of course it wasn't. If he was determined to get in he'd find a way in, the how didn't really matter.

"What are you doing here then?" I asked starting to shiver again, wishing I hadn't left the bedspread behind when I went for the lights.

"Syd, what's the matter?" he asked ignoring my question and rising to his feet.

"Nothing." I brushed him off as I walked back toward the bed. He reached me halfway there and halted, hesitating I wished more then anything that he'd just pull me to him.

"You're shivering." he stated.

"Thanks Einstein, I noticed. Now if you'd just move out of the way..." I drifted off bitterly.

"No. I won't just move out of the way." His words shocked me almost as much as the arm that wrapped around my waist and pulled me to him. "God Syd, you're freezing." Was I? It seemed pretty warm to me right about now. In fact, it was probably the warmest I'd been all night with his arm around my waist, his hand playing at the small of my back, nope I was only getting warmer by the minute.

He reached behind him and yanked the bedspread off the bed as he placed it around me and led me to the bed where he sat down next to me and proceeded to rub my arms. I really didn't care that he was only trying to warm me up. It just felt nice to have him touch me again.

"Why can't they ever let you wear clothes to these things?" Vaughn muttered tensely. I was dimly aware of the fire in his eyes. If I didn't know better I would have thought he was jealous and protective. But I knew better.

"You didn't seem to mind earlier tonight." I answered making sure that my teeth chattered just enough. I was thoroughly warmed, but that didn't mean I wanted him to stop.

"Did you get the antidote?" he asked, sidestepping my comment. Smart man that Michael Vaughn. If he'd answered in any other way to my comment I think I would have jumped him right there. Or made a complete fool of myself with some comment about how he made me want to wear even less.

"It's in my purse." I answered pushing the bedspread off my arms and started to my feet to retrieve my purse which had fallen to the floor when Vaughn had yanked the bedspread off. Vaughn's hand shot out however and landed on my naked skin, he pulled me back clumsily and I ended up in his lap, startling us both.

His arms tightened around my waist and I could feel his pulse increase through the fabric of his shirt. His warmth finally sinking into me. I was vaguely aware that my breathing became rapid matching his as my heart rate also increased.

"Let me." I groaned. I was having a hard time not flipping her onto the bed next to me and helping her warm up in another, more active way.

It's just Sydney. My mind played over and over again. Somehow though the "just" part of that sentence was not agreeing with me, and the record turned into, "It's Sydney. It's Sydney." Making me all the more aware that she has never been "just Sydney."

I guess I had my answer now as to why I wasn't supposed to meet her in her hotel room.

My hand, working on orders from a part of me that was not supposed to be functioning so well at this moment, slipped under the fabric of her dress, accidentally brushing the skin under her covered side, as my hands tightened around her waist.

I was only trying to move her off my lap before she found out how much she wasn't "just Sydney." And the reason I pulled her back so that she was flat against my chest would be? Probably the same reason I allowed my lips to brush her ear as I continued

"You stay here and get warm. I'll get it."

Except I made no indication that I was going to move.

"I'll need to get off your lap for that one." Sydney whispered in a choked voice. I thought for a moment that maybe I was having the same effect on her but I decided I was probably just drawing desperate conclusions.

"Right." I muttered.

But her hair smelled so nice and she fit so well that I couldn't let her go so easily.

"Vaughn?" she questioned as my grip on her waist tightened even more.

What was I supposed to be doing? Her hands came down on mine, moving her off my lap, right.

Reluctantly I lifted her off my lap and to the bed next to me. I'd always wondered how easy that would be, to pick her up and... Maybe I should be getting my mind out of the gutter.

I wasn't going to sleep tonight. Not after all those fantasies that I'd tried so hard to repress came tumbling to the surface. And especially not after feeling her on my lap and breathing her in. Nope, tonight was gonna be one of those nights when she claimed me.

I wondered if she knew the power she had over me.

As his hands left my waist I swallowed the all to familiar lump in my throat and clenched my fists as the familiar ache filled my soul.

I missed the old days.

Back then his touch wouldn't have set my highly sensitized skin into a fever. At least it wouldn't have been so bad. After years of not feeling him on me this experience was enough to kill me and if my heart rate didn't slow down soon it would.

I knew that I should just stand up and walk him to the door. I knew that my eyes should not have followed his form as he left the bed and walked around it to pick up my purse. And as his Agent I should not have been checking him out. At the very least I should have been trying to hide my actions.

But no I was being painfully obvious. And damn if I wasn't enjoying it...

He turned around to face me and caught me in the act. I still had the capacity to look away, thankfully. And I did look away but not before I caught him returning my heated gaze and definitely not before I noticed how his eyes had glazed over a bit.

He was probably just tired, I reasoned.

I risked a quick glance at him. Yeah tired, that's why he looked about ready to devour me. I let the bedspread fall from my shoulders. I was definitely not cold anymore. In fact if he kept looking at me the way he was, I was sure that I'd spontaneously combust.

Letting the blanket drop was not a wise move. Vaughn's eyes followed it down and my eyes followed his Adam’s apple as he swallowed the lump in his throat. I found myself standing and walking over to him.

Stopping closer then I should have I manged to take the purse of out his numb hands.

"Here, let me." I offered in a breathy voice. My mind screaming 'touch me damn it', my heart practically jumping out of my chest. I really don't think I could of managed any other tone at that moment, my throat had become incredibly dry and constricted.

Vaughn nodded dumbly and I watched him swallow again. Gripping the purse tightly in my hands, I opened it so that my hands would have something besides running all over him to keep themselves occupied with.

"Sydney I..." forgetting the purse I turned my eyes toward his and willed him to continue.

To my intense disappointment he merely looked away and dug into his pocket. He'd changed since I'd seen him last. Instead of his waiter's get up he was dressed in a causal sweater and jeans, if one thing was certain it was that he knew how to dress.

"Here. McKain was getting paranoid. SD-6 will think it was an intentional plant and that McKain is storing the antidote elsewhere." And like that the moment is over and Vaughn is cold again.

"Yeah." It's all I managed to mutter as I take the vial away from Vaughn and dig the real antidote out of my purse. Not even the fact that our fingers managed to brush more then necessary could have lifted my mood.

I stepped back and threw my purse on the bed once more as I grabbed the blanket and wrapped it around me. I was cold again and Vaughn certainly wasn't looking anymore.

"Why are you here anyway?" My voice rang out coldly.

"I thought that was obvious. I should get going anyway." he remarked as he turned toward the door.

"Wait. I know why you're in my hotel room. I want to know why you're in Venice." I wanted some answers. He didn't just show up and drive me mad then get to walk out of the room like nothing had happened. I at least deserved some answers.

"Our original plant managed to get himself killed this afternoon. There wasn't time to brief another agent and I was already on my way over. I arrived just minutes before I bumped into you. We're lucky that this was pulled off so well." Vaughn sighed.

"It didn't get pulled off so well actually. Dixon thinks I didn't get the antidote." I ignored the comment about him already being on the way over but wondered why he had been coming over in the first place.

"What?!" Vaughn demanded.

I was saved from answering him by a knock on the door.

_**Chapter Six** _

_**Purely Professional** _

"Shit." Sydney swore. I couldn't help but smile however. Could tonight be any more of a disaster? Well I'm sure it could but I really didn't want to go into that.

"Get out of here." Sydney ordered letting the blanket drop as she placed her hands on my shoulders and pushed.

"Where exactly would you like me to go? I mean, I'm not all that fond of the four story drop and the other exit seems to be occupied." I smirked. Sydney paused, weighing our options. I really should have been more concerned. But I just couldn't seem to take the moment seriously. "Maybe it's room service." I offered jokingly. She looked about ready to kill me. So I decided to wipe the smirk off my face.

"Sydney? Are you alright?"

"Maybe it's room service." Sydney mocked. Trust Dixon to ruin a perfect moment. Well actually I think we ruined it ourselves before Dixon showed up but who's counting right. "Get in the bathroom." Sydney shoved again.

"Coming." she called to the door not watching where so was shoving me. Consequently, when we hit the wall she ended up in my arms again.

Don't look at her. Don't look at her. Don't look at her. Vaughn you're a real idiot.

I looked at her. She looked at me.

It's just Sydney. It's just Sydney. Oh God it's Sydney.

"Are you ok?" I choked out as our eyes locked. My idiotic hand somehow managed to brush a stray strand of hair from her face.

"Fine." her voice had taken on that breathless quality that I find more then slightly arousing. "You?" Her hands still rested on my shoulders. Mine however had migrated to her waist.

"I'm good." I'd be a lot better if I were kissing the answering smile off her face. But I was more then good with this too. And here I thought we'd gotten rid of this underlying tension thing. Silly me.

My eyes flicked to her lips, damn they were perfect and so incredibly inviting. I looked up in time to see her eyes flick back up to mine. Had she...no...not possible. Our relationship is purely professional.

"Syd, I'm coming in." Dixon called again. Now this time it was Dixon interrupting our moment. If that was what it was.

"Wait. I'm dressing." she called over her shoulder. I rewarded her with a raised eyebrow. "Oh shut up." she whispered with a smile and pulled a strap down to her elbow as she pulled away from me. "Stop staring and get in that bathroom." Had I been staring....god Vaughn it's just her shoulder. I'm such a pig and that would explain my next action.

Reaching out I pulled her back to me with my cut hand. I'd forgotten about that. It sure was stinging now though.

"Yes?" she asked with a coy smile.

"We could always pretend that we're lovers."

Oh God Vaughn. I did not need him offering things like that. I did not need him standing so close that I could feel his heat, breathe his air. Dixon was at the door.

Just smile and step back from temptation. You can't pretend that Sydney. You know that it wouldn't be pretend on your part. You know it would break your heart when he left. Step back.

"Get in the bathroom." I smiled. He looked relieved and he quickly retreated to the bathroom. I ran to the door kicking off my shoes, it wouldn't look very convincing if I was still wearing them and Dixon would be sure to notice. Speaking of which, I removed my jewelry as well and let my hair fall back down to my shoulders. Anything else? Oh yeah, gloves.

Pull it together Syd. Pulling open the door, I pulled my strap back up, making sure that Dixon noted it.

"Syd! You ok?" Dixon exclaimed. Ok what was he so worked up about?

"Fine. Why?" It was fair to say I was confused. More then slightly so.

"You're bleeding." Dixon pointed to my bare waist. Damn I was. I hadn't even noticed.

"Let me look at that." Dixon offered. Shit I wasn't, it must have been from Vaughn. Clamping my hand over it I shook my head violently.

"It's nothing Dixon I'm fine...Now what did you need?" He looked at me curiously and I tried to dismiss it.

"Just wanted to make sure you're ok and to tell you I'd be by tomorrow at six so we could plan our second attempt." And you couldn't just call. Well it wasn't his fault Vaughn thought tonight of all nights was a perfectly fine night for breaking protocol

"Thanks Dixon. I'm fine really. Why don't you go get some sleep, call your wife?" I suggested giving him a quick hug. I then ushered him to the door.

"Get that taken care of." Dixon offered as I started to close the door. With a nod he turned and left and I closed the door.

Vaughn appeared three seconds later with a washcloth in hand.

"Are you ok? Where are you bleeding?" His eyes running over me as he talked. Locating my "wound" he knelt in front of me and started to wipe the blood away. I let him. If he was so determined to take care of me I wasn't going to object. "Syd there's no cut." he finally realized.

"Yeah, I noticed that too. It's your blood not mine. Now let me see that hand."

"I must of ripped it open again." Vaughn nodded it off and rose to his feet looking very embarrassed. He started to walk away but I grabbed his wrist and turned him toward me. Grabbing the washcloth from his other hand, I avoided looking up at him though I could feel his surprised stare burn through me.

Ignoring his gaze, I walked us over to the bed where we sat down.

"Ouch. Damn it Syd. Be careful." he cried out as I dabbed at his hand.

"Baby." I chuckled.

"If you wanted to call me baby you just had to say something."

"Ha ha. This is a pretty nasty cut Vaughn."

He only growled in response. I could tell he was focusing on the top of my head and that familiar longing was seeping back into the room. I thought we'd fixed that problem and that after five years, after that incident, that we'd never have to worry about this again.

I needed him out of my room and soon.

"You should get that taken care of. I'm really kinda tired. I'll meet with you tomorrow at five." I blurted abruptly hopping up from my spot on the bed and walking toward the window. Making sure to keep my back to him. I could still feel his eyes burning through me.

Get out Vaughn. Get out now before something happens.

"Yeah. I should be going anyway. I'm up one floor if you need anything. Room 526." I nodded and then he left.

Finally I felt as though I could breath.

I paused outside her door, leaning against it, I closed my eyes and tried to block out her face.

We couldn't do this. We couldn't start up with those feelings again. It was going to kill us.

I never should have come to Venice.

_**Chapter Seven** _

_**Memories** _

It hurt. The feelings that seemed to sweep back into my life so suddenly. I guess they'd never really left, but I'd done a pretty good job at burying them. Gotten to the point where visiting the warehouse didn't make me want to run to his arms.

We'd grown apart. We'd seen it coming, but it was unavoidable. I thought that because of this rift we'd never have to face these feelings again.

I was thinking that maybe I was wrong about that.

Because there were definite sparks between us tonight.

I stood for a long time in front of my open window. Freezing. The cold made me feel alive again. Vaughn's heat had numbed me, lulled me into memories I didn't want to be having. Feelings that were not appropriate. That would get us killed.

I needed the cold air on my skin like I needed the oxygen in my lungs. Another thing that Vaughn's presence seemed to take away. My breath.

The curtains danced around my still form, whispering. I needed to get out of here. Out of this room, out of this life, out of my head. I needed to do something rash, something stupid, something that would make me feel like a human again. Instead of the mindless clone I'd been spending the last five years as.

Slowly I closed the window, cutting off the breeze. It was no longer comforting, only chilling. My temporary release seemed to be over. The memories flooded my mind now and nothing was going to keep them away.

I changed quickly into a tank and some sweat pants. Not much warmer but an improvement. Settling on my bed I let them come and hoped that this time I wouldn't hurt so much remembering them. That this time I could just let them run over me and leave no trace that they'd ever tried to break free from the cage I'd locked them in.

_"We have reason to believe that you are being tailed Agent Bristow--" She cut him off before he could continue with an awful feeling of dread._

_"That's impossible. I've been careful." But Arvin Sloane was not satisfied with her answer. He produced a folder full of pictures. Pictures of her and Vaughn._

_"Don't worry Sydney. The problem is being dealt with." He tried to comfort her but she couldn't listen to him. He was going to kill Vaughn and she knew it._

Sloane had let her go without any further comments. Knowing how an event like this could shake her. Assuming that it was the only reason she acted the way she had. Not even guessing that the man he had ordered killed, like Danny, held a part of her heart, a part she had not yet realized she'd given away.

She knew now. She couldn't lose Vaughn like she'd lost Danny. Couldn't go through with it again. It was too hard.

They'd managed to save Vaughn. Removed him from the case for a good six months. Put him up in some flat in Paris. Killed of a fictional alias so that SD-6 would stop looking.

That was when she'd called Will.

And with her pleading words ringing in his head-- _"I can't lose you too. You are the only friend I have that knows me. I need you. I need a friend like you..."--with her broken words ringing in his heart--"...Will and I are seeing each other..."-_ -he'd picked up the phone and called Alice.

They'd had no choice.

When Vaughn returned from Paris, he returned with a ring for Alice.

Will and Sydney however never seemed to make it to that point. She couldn't face having a relationship based on lies. And he couldn't handle her long hours at the bank, her unexpected business trips, and her flimsy excuses. He became too curious and she was forced to stop their relationship.

Both soon realized they'd rather be friends anyway.

She was not available for more. And he could never be happy with what she could give. Their relationship lasted a good year and a half and when she looks back on it she can still smile in certain spots, but mostly she looks back on it with regret.

Still she thinks it was the only way to keep him safe. The only way to keep them both safe.

But as the years went by, less time was spent on talking about their personal lives, his life with Alice hurt her, and her relationship with Will still stung him, her friends weddings reminded him of his hopeless marriage, and his hopeless marriage reminded her of her broken heart. Out of necessity those little things that made them more, were removed.

And they had ended up cold and alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She broke my heart. I knew she never meant to. I knew she probably didn't even know that she'd done it. But she'd done it all the same. And that hurt.

There was no way for me to deny that I had ever had feelings for her. Our past clearly stated that I did. That on my part at least, our relationship was against protocol.

I bet Devlin smiled more then I did at my wedding.

Sitting on my bed hours after I'd left her I was still thinking about the feelings she had evoked tonight. Feelings I thought were dead. I tried so hard to kill them for so many reasons.

Safety first. We always had to play it safe. I wanted so badly to forget safety back then. And tonight I want to forget it as well. She does that to me. Makes me not care who finds out. I want the world to know about how I feel...felt....I don't know anymore.

I thought it was a thing of the past, a passing infatuation that we'd get over. Eventually we'd see each others flaws and get on each others nerves.

I guess a part of me always knew it was only a matter of time. That these feelings would resurface and that when they did they would be ten times worse then they ever were. I never stopped marveling at her beauty, I never stopped worrying about her safety.

I just liked to pretend that I did.

It was easier that way. Safer too. And ever since that incident that ended up ending it all. She'd been concerned about safety. I could always give her that. The one thing that I could do to help her. The one thing that I could give her by staying away. Safety.

I liked to think that walking away was my unselfish gift to her. That my time in France was only for her. That by getting involved with Alice and remaining so distant was for her good.

Truthfully, unselfish was not the correct word.

Because my actions were all about being selfish. All about me.

I didn't give her anything. I refused to.

When I came back and she was with Will, I kept to myself and locked her out, not for her sake but for mine. I picked things up with Alice, for me, because I wanted to hurt her like she'd hurt me. It had nothing to do with knowing that things couldn't continue the way that they were. Because back then I didn't care how dangerous it was.

When I'd first met her I'd cared. I'd pushed her away with words like, "when this is over," and "hockey can wait." But as time went by her pull on me became too strong. And she was too hard to resist. I'd called so often with the "Joey's Pizza," routine that Francie had changed the number.

We'd changed it to "Frank's Nursery," I mused.

_"Frank's Nursery?" He breathed into the phone. It was late. Too late for him to be calling just to hear her voice._

_"Hmm. I'm sorry wrong number." she sighed. She loved it when he called._

_"Too bad. I wanted to send some flowers to a friend." he continued. She smiled and leaned back on her bed. He'd done this once before, one night before Francie had changed the number. Back then he'd wanted a pizza._

_"Oh. What kind of flowers? And who's this friend?"_

_"Nothing much. I was thinking of white roses but I could easily be persuaded to change my mind."_

_"Well it depends on your friend I think. I always thought white roses were pretty if not a bit cliched. I'm more of a daisy girl myself. They just seem more friendly to me."_

_"Aren't those the flowers that girls pick the petals off of to determine if it's true love or not?"_

_"I guess. Are you worried your friend might start picking her flowers apart?" she laughed._

_"Who said my friend was a she?"_

_"Oh so you take to sending your male friends flowers huh?"_

_"Yeah guess you got me there." he laughed._

_"Is she special?"_

_"Who?"_

_"This friend of yours. I mean do you wish she was more then a friend?"_

_"I don't know if I should be discussing this with a complete stranger."_

_"Oh come on. Speaking on behalf of complete strangers all around the world I can say that we have the best ears. We listen really well and we keep secrets well too. Come on it will be like a chat room. Completely anonymous" She sat on the edge of her bed waiting in anticipation._

_He was silent. She didn't mind. She liked listening to him breathe on the other side of the line. It was calming._

_"Sometimes." He finally broke out._

_"Sometimes what?" she'd forgotten what they were talking about._

_"Sometimes I wish we were more. But it's impossible so it doesn't really matter."_

_"Oh..."_

The next day she'd gotten a dozen daises from an anonymous source, with a card reading simply..."for those sometimes."

The following day he found himself on his way to France.

_**Chapter Eight** _

_**Tonight and the rest of my life.** _

_Down to the earth I fell with dripping wings, heavy things won't fly._

_And the sky might catch on fire and burn the axis of the world_

_That's why I prefer a sunless sky to the glittering and stinging in my eyes._

_I feel so light. This is all i wanna feel tonight. I feel so light._

_Tonight and the Rest of my Life-Nina Gordon_

I needed out. In so many ways, from so many things.

But this being a hotel room in Venice, a cold empty hotel room in Venice. And being on a mission. Well, out was not really much of anything.

Besides there were still villains to fight and spy operations to bring down. Out, would never be an option.

I don't want to fight anymore.

But if I don't...

I could fix some things. I didn't have to sit here and remember the things that hurt me. I didn't have to remember the look in Vaughn’s eyes when I told him about Will, or the feelings of jealousy I had over Alice.

No, tonight was what I made of it.

And I just wanted to feel free.

So I ended up leaving that stifling hotel room.

I walked for an undetermined amount of time. Just walking. Not thinking about anything. Forgetting the world. Forgetting SD-6 and all it's impossible missions. Forgetting the fact that I'd put my life on hold for seven years. Forgetting those piercing green eyes that saw through me, that held me, that comforted me when his arms could not.

Empty.

Blank.

Void.

Why couldn't the rest of my life be like this moment?

When my mind returned to me I found that I was on a bridge near the hotel. It was late. Two or three I judged looking up at the night sky.

I wondered if Vaughn was dreaming and what he was dreaming about.

For a long time I looked down. The water, so still underneath me, captivated all my attention.

I wasn't quite ready to go back to that room. I knew what awaited me.

Reality. Sometimes I wish it would just go away.

When I finally looked up again my eyes locked on the form of a man up on the fifth floor of the hotel. He was looking down at me from his balcony. My mind briefly played over the fact that I hadn't gotten a balcony. I wondered why.

Probably had something to do with Sloane's views on world traveling. You aren't suppose to see the world, merely the safe you're breaking into. A lock descrambler is necessary whereas a balcony is not.

I wanted the balcony.

But I'd never get that balcony.

The man on that fifth floor balcony was Vaughn. I'd know him anywhere. Our eyes locked. Silly for me to say because he was so far away and it wasn't like I could really tell what exactly he was looking at.

But I felt it.

I think I'm in love with him.

Sometimes I could be a real idiot.

I couldn't love him. It was wrong. He didn't feel the same. But I couldn't take my eyes off him.

There were so many reasons why I couldn't. So many things that made breaking eye contact and going back to my room a must.

National security being the least on my list.

So I did.

I broke eye contact with him and focused on the water below me. But his eyes were still on me and his gaze felt heated even from that distance.

I looked at him again

The curtains from his room blew in the gentle breeze. Dancing with his still form. The light from the moon lit his face and if I looked hard enough I could make out his facial expressions.

I wished I could be up there with him. Wrapped in his warm arms. My head resting against his bare chest, his chin resting on my head, my arms wrapped around his as he pulled me closer. Whispered in my ear. Told me that I was his everything...

I smiled. He smiled back. He seemed to question me with his posture.

_'Are you alright?'_ he asked wordlessly _._

I nodded.

One day maybe I would be able to stand on a balcony like that with him.

One day.

But tonight I needed to get some sleep.

I broke eye contact one last time then turned and returned to my room

_**Chapter Nine** _

_**Save Yourself** _

_I know the feeling of that stealing life out from under you_

_Cause I wanna learn how you save yourself_

_For someone who could love you for you_

_Save Yourself-Sense Field_

A dozen daisies and a trip to France. Sure fire way to end a non-existent relationship. Really someone should be writing a book on all the ways Sydney and I have fucked our "friendship" up.

Why do I always find myself doing this? Staring up at the ceiling, alone, wanting things to be different when I know they can't.

I just want her to be happy. Sure, happy and with me.

Tossing alone in my bed wasn't going to solve anything.

She's alone too. It took everything in me to keep things that way. It would have been so easy to go down to her room. And if I'd read her correctly earlier she wouldn't have been all that opposed to me doing just that.

But I know that we can't go there.

Still she was heaven tonight. And still all I wanted was to wrap my arms around her like McKain had. Like Will did. Every other man in her life.

Not me. Never me.

I wondered if maybe one day... Maybe one day it could be me.

Maybe that was why she wasn't with McKain now. Maybe that's why things with Will had not lasted. Maybe that's why she was alone now.

Because of me.

Not likely. I know. But still there have been so many people she could have been with.

So many of them.

Sydney Bristow is nothing but flawless. Many guys have tried. She'd even shared a few horror stories with me over the last few years. So many nameless faces that could have become more but didn't.

She'd heard her share of pick up lines and the fact that none of them seemed to work gave me false hope. And created this intense amount of jealousy.

I was jealous of Will, McKain, every guy lucky enough to hold her hand in public.

Getting up I walked to the balcony and flung open the doors, not minding how the wind bit into my naked skin. Looking down my eyes landed on a familiar figure.

It could have been me in her spot.

I don't know how she does it. Goes through life with this overwhelming sense of emptiness. Lives this lie.

What I'd give to take it all away from her. To fix her broken world, her shattered snow globe of a world.

She's so strong. But even the strong fall sometimes. Tonight I think she might have fallen.

I'm not sure anymore. Not sure of anything about her. Only that she's vital to me. Like air. I need her.

I wish I knew. I wish I knew if she felt the same. If she needed me too. If I was her rock. If I was the one thing in her life that kept her grounded. Kept her sane.

She's always been mine.

I don't want to say that I love her. I'm not sure if I've learned how to do that yet. I'm not sure if anyone ever learns how. But I want to learn.

She looked up and me and I questioned if she was alright. She nodded and smiled.

Maybe one day I'd be down there with her.

I watched as she walked away.

I always watch as she walks away.

_**Chapter Ten** _

_**Territorial** _

I hadn't planned on turning the light on.

That's about how much of my night went correctly.

"Ms. Bristow. Nice to see you again."

I could have lived without the gun pressed to my ribs. Could have lived without the two goons that dragged me over to the corner of my hotel room--my hotel room why couldn't people understand that this was my room. Seriously, this was getting ridiculous. I made a mental note not to use this particular hotel ever again.

"Where's my antidote Ms. Bristow?" McKain continued gesturing for his brawn to bring me closer. My ribs were going to be seriously bruised after this.

"I don't know what you're talking about." How did he know my name?

"Sydney Bristow." McKain pulled a paper out of his pocket and started reading. "Interesting, not only do you work for SD-6 but you seem to be a double for the CIA. Close friends: Will Tippin who apparently is some sort of journalist, Francie..." he paused when I didn't answer him.

"Relations: Father Jack Bristow...." he paused as he laughed. "I see you're in the family business."

Still I didn't answer. More out of shock then anything else.

"I have addresses too."

"In my purse," I gestured to the purse on the table in the other corner.

He was seriously starting to creep me out.

"Nice try. Almost believable. Except my antidote, love, has a tag built into the lid. This my dear," here he pulled a vial out of his suit pocket, "...does not have any tag. This is a fake. Now we can do this the hard way or we can do this the easy way. It's entirely up to you." He had the nerve to smile.

I spit in his face.

I also earned myself a nice hard jab in the ribs with the gun and then a quick trip to the floor at McKain's feet.

"What's the hard way?" I dared to ask, turning my face up at the twenty-eight year old piece of scum.

"Don't be like this. We were getting along so nicely before. I'd hate to see something happen to your waiter friend. Room 526 isn't it?" He was inches from my face and I resisted the urge to head butt him. It would be so easy but it would also end up with me getting my ass kicked. Something I wasn't all to fond of doing right now.

"Bite me." I resorted instead.

"Trust me I'd love to. But we don't have time for that now. Later however I'm sure I could come up with something that would interest you in a trade. Either you give me the antidote or Mr. 526 finds out what the bottom of the canal looks like up close and personal."

"I don't know who you're talking about. And you have your antidote." He wasn't going to buy it. But I couldn't help but try it anyway.

"Very well." he laughed, apparently he was enjoying this. Glad to know I could entertain him. "Something else then. What if I could offer you a complete list of the members of the Alliance and evidence strong enough to convict them of their various crimes? That would give you sufficient information to bring down SD-6 now wouldn't it."

Now here he had my attention. It was too good to be true. He had to be lying.

"Of course, that would cost you a little extra..." he brought his hand to my cheek and I turned away. I would have slugged him if the goons hadn't tied my hands with those damn plastic ties. Seriously those things were worse then handcuffs or rope.

"Pig." I muttered.

"Yes but admit it, I'm a pretty damn good looking one. And you don't have any other choice. I'll let you sleep on it tonight Ms. Bristow, but I'll be expecting an answer. I'm not a very patient man. And I don't take kindly to people lying to me."

With that he gestured to his brawn once more and I found myself lifted in the air and thrown harshly on my bed. Springing up, I almost hit my head into McKain's face. He'd taken a spot next to me on the bed.

Before I knew what was happening he had me on my back again, with his lips assaulting mine.

It was enough to make me hurl.

He pressed himself further into me and I squirmed to get out from under him as his slimy lips moved down my neck and he started to suck on my skin.

McKain was stronger then he looked and having my hands bound made it harder for me to fight him.

I was completely at his mercy. And terrified beyond belief.

Finally he let up, and sat up smiling.

I tried not to show the disgust, the anger, hurt, and fear I was feeling.

He simply fingered the spot on my neck I was sure was turning purple. Admiring his work.

"Hate to do this to you Sydney but I really don't think we have much of a choice." He injected something into my arm and I felt my world start to slip away.

No. No. God please don't. Vaughn. Oh please don't let him. No.

"It's alright now Sydney, go to sleep." McKain tried to comfort.

It was then that I cried.

"I'm not going to hurt you. We have plenty of time. I'll see you tomorrow. Go to sleep."

My world faded.

_**Chapter Eleven** _

_**Screw Protocol** _

"Vaughn?" She was standing at the side of my bed. My hotel door still open. Her arm crossing her chest, hand clamped at the junction of her neck and shoulder. Her eyes almost brimming over.

"Sydney?" I quickly left my bed to shut the door. She took the opportunity to walk out on the balcony.

Lost. She looked lost. The way she moved, wandered. Aimless, no direction. It was starting to scare me.

A quick glance at the clock told me she hadn't come for our meeting, she was an hour and a half early, which meant that something had happened.

"Sydney?" I questioned coming up behind her and placing a hand on the small of her back. Nothing on earth could of prepared me for what happened next.

I found her clinging to me, stifling tears.

My arms clung to her tighter, instinctively, as if they could draw the pain out from her.

"I can't Vaughn. I don't want to. I can't." her voice warring with tears.

"Can't what Syd?" I whispered into her hair, breathing her in. Taking her into me in a way I hadn't been able to in years.

"Nothing." She broke off suddenly, her strength winning the silent battle. Leaving my arms and leaning over the balcony's railing looking down at the bridge she'd stood on only a few hours earlier.

She needed her distance, I may have hated it, but she needed it, and I wasn't going to take it from her, although my arms only wanted her back.

"I'll never get a balcony," she muttered just loud enough for me, making me feel privileged to hear it.

"Really Syd the balcony isn't anything to cry over. I mean look over there..." I pointed and she followed my finger. "...from up here you can see into the dumpsters... and I'm not sure but that looks like a dead cat to me." I tried to joke with her.

She smiled and playfully shoved me. But grew serious.

"No. I mean this. I'm not even supposed to be up here with you right now. I'm not supposed to come to you in the middle of the night. Not suppose to stand here with you. When it's all I want." She sighed. "I'm not making any sense."

"No perfect sense actually. The most sense I've heard all night."

"Shut up. You're just trying to make me feel better."

"Is it working?"

"It always does." She smiled then looked away again. She was standing right next to me but she was a million miles away. I let her go.

After a few silent minutes she continued.

"I never thought it would take this long Vaughn. I never thought in a million years that I would still be here." I waited patiently for her to continue and when she didn't I placed a hand over hers, causing her to smile.

"I never thought I'd still be fighting, still be working for a monster. God Vaughn. It's so fucking frustrating." she broke away and started to pace. "It's like there's this damn wall that we can't get over. This fucking piece of shit encased concrete that just keeps getting bigger and bigger. And there's no damn way to get over it."

"I don't think I've ever heard you swear that many times in one sentence." I smiled.

She smiled back. "Vaughn. Shut the fuck up. I'm ranting here. You can have your turn next." But she'd stopped pacing and was smiling. "Plus it was more then one sentence." Damn I wanted to kiss her.

"What happened?" I asked then.

"What happened? Good question. You mean besides you blowing a hole in all my current theories on my feelings? You mean besides me realizing that I may never be able to stand here on your balcony again?" She was pacing again and I wanted to kick myself for it.

"Sorry." I muttered. I used to be better at this.

"I used to be better at this didn't I?" she stopped pacing and smiled at me. "It's not your fault." She sighed again, a tired sigh. "It's just that this..." she gestured with her hands. "...this just...I don't ever remember it being so hard before." She dropped her hands to her side and walked up to me leaning against the railing next to me.

We stood there, me with my back to the rest of the world, her with her back to the hotel, each of us blocking out what we didn't want to be facing. When my shoes had lost all interest to me I looked up and dared to look over at her.

My eyes locked on her cheek and even in the darkness I could see her flush.

"We can't." She stated simply. She knows me too well even after all these years. I only nod. Still I can't stop thinking about how simple it would be, how much better we'd feel, if we just went into my room and ended this torment.

My eyes darted away from her cheek and landed on her neck. More specifically the area she'd been covering up. I hadn't realized she'd been covering it up until right then. She'd been good at keeping it hidden up to that moment.

My fingers brushed her lose hair back off of the mark and danced idly on it. It hadn't been there before, I was sure of it. I'd spent enough time earlier memorizing every curve to know that it had not bothered her neck when I'd had her in my arms in her room. When she cringed I knew it was part of the reason she was here.

When I found out who had given it to her I'd be sure to make their suffering as long and drawn out as possible before I killed them.

"Syd, what else happened tonight?" I ventured, not wanting to pry but needing to know if she was ok.

"Oh well, I couldn't sleep, kept remembering some unpleasant things, so I went for a walk. Venice is rather lovely at night. Went back to my room, got attacked by McKain. Nothing big." She tried to brush it off.

Sydney Bristow is not a victim. She doesn't play the part well. Maybe it's because she's always been so good at saving herself, but when she can't it's doubly hard on her. She'd probably never needed a knight in shining armor in her entire life. But tonight she had needed one. My blood boiled at the thought.

"Care to elaborate."

"Not particularly." My finger still danced on her neck, wishing that it could erase the mark, wishing that it could heal all her scars.

"I'll kill him." I muttered under my breath.

"My hero." Her answer was a sarcastic mutter. Finally she looked at me.

"I'm sorry. Did he... are you..." my mouth and mind didn't want to agree. Did he hurt you? Did he touch you? Did he force you to do anything you didn't want? Are you ok? I wish I could erase everything. I should have been there. So many things I needed to say but my mouth didn't seem to work.

She smiled then, brought her hand to my cheek and grabbed my roaming hand with her other hand, our fingers instantly entwining as she pulled me close to her. Tracing her hand down my face she slowly joined our other hands.

"I'm ok," she said slowly, our foreheads resting against each other. "I really am.... Now anyway." the last part said in barely a whisper. Straining to hear her I still wasn't sure if that was what she'd said.

Sighing she drew away from me. In little less then shock I watched her return to her post at the balcony railing.

"He knows about me Vaughn. He knows about the antidote. He came looking for it."

"What do you mean he knows about you?" We were suddenly very professional. Making sure to keep our distance, making sure to guard our words.

"He could tell me my life story better then anyone I know. He knows about SD-6, the CIA, my father and his double agent status, he even started quoting Will and Francie's lives. He could blow my cover and my father's in the blink of an eye."

"Merde." She started to laugh at my reaction.

"Yeah, you think." I couldn't help but join her. "That's not even the best part."

"There's more?" I asked in awe. We had severely underestimated this guy apparently.

"Oh yeah. He offered me a deal. His antidote for a complete list of the Alliance members, his antidote for evidence could take down the entire organization."

"I should probably say something like the antidote is too important to the CIA but you know what I really would rather have that list." I put in still trying to absorb the details.

"Me too." she smirked. I however was not about to forget the mark on her neck.

"That doesn't explain everything though." I gestured to her neck.

"He was waiting in my hotel room. He told me what he wanted to tell me. Had his goons throw me on the bed where he proceeded to assault me with his slimy mouth. Serves me right really. I never should have kissed him. If my hands hadn't been bound at the time he would have gotten a serious ass kicking. Still might actually. He wants to meet tomorrow and make the exchange. He drugged me. I woke up and came up here. End of story." She was trying to brush the incident off and act like it hadn't meant anything. But she couldn't.

"We both know it isn't the end of the story." I offered opening my arms for her. She only hesitated a moment before launching herself at me.

"I was so scared Vaughn. He could have done anything to me and I'd never know. I still don't know if he tried anything. I mean I was out cold and when I woke up I was on my bed alone. I was out for an hour. Anything could have happened. What if it did?" She was crying again and clinging tightly to me, as if I was the only thing keeping her from falling apart.

"They tied my hands up with those plastic ties, and he was on top of me kissing me and sucking on my neck, he wanted me Vaughn. He still does. I don't want to leave. What if he comes back? What if next time I don't wake up alone?"

"I'm not letting you go back down there alone. There isn't going to be a next time. You aren't meeting with him later." She was shaking, falling apart in my arms. Ripping my heart out with her words. McKain wouldn't be touching her again. He wouldn't be seeing her or much of anything else again. And he certainly would not be with another woman for a long time after I got my hands on him.

"I have to Vaughn. I don't have a choice. I'll be ok. Just don't make me leave." Her sobs had died down but still she clung to me. We stood there for a while. Not talking, just holding each other. Why had we ever stopped holding each other? Why had we ever stopped listening to each other?

When she began shaking from the cold I led her into my room and closed the door, still holding her we moved over to the bed where we paused in front of it.

"You need some sleep." I explained. She nodded but buried her head deeper into my chest.

"I don't want to let go of you." She whispered into my neck.

"I'm not going anywhere." I assured.

"I wish...I wish things were different." She clung tighter. My mind was not in the comforting mood and with every brush of her lips against my neck things were getting out of my control.

"Sydney..." she misinterpreted my hesitation.

"Screw protocol Vaughn. Forget the fucking rules."

"It isn't that Syd." I managed past the lump in my throat. I felt her smile against my neck as her fingers tangled in the hair on my chest.

"Good to know I still have that effect on you." She murmured. Then drew back so that I could see her smile. I noticed how our hands had become entangled again. I didn't know when that had happened. It seemed so natural that I hadn't noticed it happening but I noticed it as she tugged me onto the bed with her.

I perched uncomfortably on the bed next to her and she laughed. Moving around behind me I felt her hands come down on my shoulders and start to knead the flesh under them.

"Loosen up Vaughn. I'm not going to bite you." She laughed near my ear. I was pretty sure she knew what she was doing as I melted in her hands. Her laugh only confirmed it.

"You're evil." I managed past my moan of pleasure.

"So I've been told." she paused and rested her chin on my shoulder. "Thank you by the way."

"Anytime. You do know this totally screws with everything right?"

"Yeah, well I really didn't like the way our relationship was going anyway. Besides wouldn't you just love to see the look on Devlin's face if he ever found out I spent the night in your hotel room." She continued to joke.

"Oh yeah that would be nice. You do realize it would come right before my suspension and you'd be assigned a new handler."

"Nah. No one handles me quite like you do Michael Vaughn and I wouldn't let anyone try. Devlin would have to keep you on or I'd quit."

We sat like that a long time, her with her chin resting on my shoulder, our hands clasped together at my sides. Finally she moved to my side and swung her feet down next to mine, letting go of my hands she sat next to me, miles away in her own head. I wondered what she was thinking about but didn't dare cross any bridge to find out. Finally still staring in to nothing, she spoke.

"Vaughn... Why were you on your way to Venice?" I couldn't tell her it was because I loved her. I couldn't tell her it was because I had to make sure she'd be ok, or that I had a feeling that this mission was going to go to hell.

But I couldn't lie to her either.

"Just go to sleep Syd. We'll talk about it later." She turned to me and smiled, nodding she crawled into the bed behind us and closed her eyes. I moved to the chair across the room.

In sleep Sydney Bristow is perfectly angelic. If I thought that I had it bad before I was wrong. So wrong that it would be impossible for me to describe.

She snores, not the loud deep annoying sound likened to that of an elephant crashing through the forest, but the soft gentle purr of a kitten. Each small puff of breath barely audible from my perch across the room.

I was screwed. I had this totally amazing woman in my bed. This totally amazing forbidden woman in my bed. This was a real good way to get us killed.

But right then...

I couldn't find myself caring.

_**Chapter Twelve** _

_**Reasons for following the rules** _

I watched him from his bed. He was sleeping, peacefully, contently.

What the hell was I thinking?

He's a dead man. I'm a dead man, or woman. And we're definitely idiots, though that goes without saying.

My mind started composing a list of all the little ways in which we'd broken protocol last night.

1) He'd come to my room for the antidote.

2) He'd touched me. And I don't just mean physically. He'd opened up the past, damn him. And I had no idea how to close the Pandora’s box of emotions he'd so carelessly torn open.

3) He'd touched me. Ok so I mentioned that one. But I think it deserves to be stated at least twice. Truthfully I was at the point of stating it at least thirty more times.

If McKain hadn't been waiting in my room, if he hadn't assaulted me, if he hadn't drugged me, would I have come up here anyway?

That thought was bugging me more then any other. How much of my actions were driven by fear and how much of them were driven by, well by something other then fear?

I couldn't afford to think about this right now. It wasn't safe, and I didn't want to know the answers.

4) I'd gone to his room. Seeking comfort...seeking... What had I been seeking? I had this sinking feeling that I'd run to Vaughn for reasons other then comfort. For reasons like companionship, like friendship, like that unhealthy emotional attachment that we'd striven so hard to remove. If Barnett ever found out about this I could definitely kiss Michael Vaughn goodbye.

At least we hadn't slept together. I mean I'd come so close to telling him to share the bed with me... Last night I'm sure I could have found a million reasons to justify me staying in his room. This morning...

I was suddenly remembering why we'd decided to follow the rules.

I could blame it on the drug. I could always say that it must have been affecting my judgment. That I would never in a million years voluntarily come up here and risk our lives like that. That I would never stand out on his balcony with him for the whole world to see, especially when I knew there was a man bent on getting what he wanted with a whole file on me, a man who could end both of our lives with a simple phone call or fax, not when that man could be watching and waiting to destroy us.

I would never come into my handler's room, cry in his arms, touch him, let him touch me. No never, it had to have been the after effects of the drug.

Except...

I knew that it wasn't.

Which meant that all that crap I'd been trying to feed myself, was just that, crap. It meant that things were definitely progressing to that unhealthy attachment that we'd tried to eliminate. It meant we were in it too deep. That anything I did from now on would have to be guarded.

My mind screamed out. No it felt so good last night to have his arms around you. It felt so right to sit next to him, to hold his hand. For a moment you had the balcony. Don't throw it away Bristow.

Yeah, like I could really listen to that. Still he looked rather inviting sleeping in that chair by the doors to the balcony. With the sun streaking across his face, his chest rising and falling evenly in a pattern that I'm sure matched my own.

Tearing my eyes away, I decided that maybe I should start another list.

Reasons to follow the rules.

1) Michael Vaughn looks very nice sleeping.

2) Michael Vaughn smells very nice. This I noticed as I rolled over and put my back to the temptation in the corner. In rolling over however my nose came in contact with his pillow, which I'm sure he didn't use very long, but carried his scent anyway.

3) Michael Vaughn makes me feel things I shouldn't be feeling. Thus number four...

It's wrong.

My mind seemed rather content to leave it as a plain old, "It's wrong." My heart wanted to know why though. Really sometimes I think I might enjoy being heartless.

It's wrong because---how many lists could I come up with?

1) It's against the rules. Why did I seem to be going in circles here?

2) It's dangerous. It will get both of us killed. That is a certainty. It is only a matter of time.

3) It's wrong... Oh screw this list. It's just wrong.

I could deal with that. I didn't need justification for my justifications.

I decided to go back to my earlier list, my reasons to follow the rules list.

5) It's dangerous. Goes without saying and is really part of the previous number but I felt that a large quantity of reasons were needed.

6) Danny.

Danny.

Danny.

It wasn't that I wasn't over Danny. It was more along the lines of another bathtub. More along the lines of getting revenge for his. Danny was all the reason I needed.

7) People depend on me. If I'm dead I can't very well bring down SD-6. If I don't follow the rules I will end up dead.

8) I can form unhealthy attachments if I don't follow the rules.

9) Those attachments can impair my judgment. I think we learned that last night when Vaughn scrapped the counter mission with his jealous actions. At least, I think they were jealous actions. I'm pretty sure they were now. Cause I know he has an unhealthy attachment to me.

10) The people who wrote those rules knew what they were talking about.

Sighing I rolled back onto my back. I decided to count the spots on the ceiling instead. I was sick of my list. I had enough reasons, more then enough reasons. But it just left me feeling cold, empty, alone, sick to my stomach even.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I must have fallen asleep.

When I woke up she was staring at the ceiling. I knew she was busy regretting her decision to stay.

The change in her was so blindingly obvious. She was no longer relaxed.

I froze in position and allowed myself to watch her. I don't get that opportunity often and after last night I had the sinking feeling that I would be seeing even less of her.

One step forward, five steps back. I hated this dance.

Her muscles tense, any movement would have her jumping out of the bed. Ready. And that hurt.

To think that she couldn't just relax with me. Sure that usually meant dangerous risk. But for just once it would be nice to be with her and not have her ready to run any second.

It would be nice to spend a Sunday morning like this one in bed with her. Just being lazy.

Not that that could ever happen.

In seven years we hadn't come close to bringing SD-6 down and I wasn't about to let myself get excited about this new development. McKain was a liar, a crook. There was no guaranteeing that this list of his would be real.

But then, we were all liars and crooks. We were all thieves in our own ways.

The possibility of taking SD-6 down hovered so close to us before only to be proven as false, as impossible, as insane. I couldn't afford to get my hopes up.

And she knew that as well.

If we didn't have things to discuss... Well she would have been gone. I would have woken up alone like so many other days.

That didn't explain why she didn't wake me though.

I chose to take that as a sign of hope. That maybe she wanted to stay too. That maybe when this was over we wouldn't go back to ignoring each other. Maybe we could go back as friends.

Above all I just wanted her to be my friend.

I didn't know what those last few years had been. I didn't know what to classify our relationship as. But I did know that it was not friendship. It was close to nothing.

Professional. That's what it was.

I don't like professional.

She stirred and I closed my eyes so she'd think I was asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Glancing over at the clock I nearly had a heart attack.

Nine am. Shit. Dixon.

Item number eleven. Dixon. He didn't know he wasn't fighting the bad guys. I owed it to him to bring SD-6 down. Him and all the others.

Dixon.

"Sydney?"

Dixon.

The door flew open.

"Sydney!"

My eyes flew open.

"Dixon!"

_**Chapter Thirteen** _

_**Exposure** _

"What's going on here Syd?"

"How did you find me?"

"How did you get in here?"

"Who is he?"

"Why didn't you wait in my room?"

"Ok. Ok. Everyone quiet. Dixon close the door." I ordered from my seat in the corner. Dixon raised an eyebrow at me, then turned to Sydney asking silent questions.

"We're lovers." Syd spit out quickly as she pulled herself to a sitting position and I tried not to smile at the obvious lie. In my dreams maybe.

Dixon gave her a look of disbelief. She turned to me for help and I only nodded. It was pretty weak.

"That's why he is sleeping on the chair and your sleeping in the bed. Sorry Syd not buying it." Dixon admitted.

"Why are you here Dixon?" Sydney sighed and looked away her actions mirroring her guilt. We were going to have to tell him. Not the whole truth if it could be avoided but we'd have to tell him something. She was just delaying the moment and we both knew it.

"I waited in your room for an hour Sydney. I was worried. Then I find a needle in the trash, these on the floor by the bed..." he produced the plastic ties from his pocket. "...and this." he pulled a note out of his other pocket.

"That doesn't explain how you found her." I added. Dixon glared at me. I decided to back off.

"I'm not saying anything else until I find out what's going on here."

"He's a friend from college." still offered too weakly to be believable.

"Sydney." he ordered sternly. He wasn't going to accept her lies.

In the past Sydney had wanted to tell Dixon about SD-6. I'd told her that it was too dangerous, that she couldn't volunteer him for double agent status. Now it didn't look like we had much of a choice.

She turned to me and asked silently. I nodded. Our silent conversation was not lost on Dixon. He knew we were more then casual acquaintances.

"Dixon I work for the CIA." She started slowly.

"Yeah I know. That's not a secret." Dixon interrupted making sure to keep his status covered. Not trusting my presence.

"No Dixon. It's quite the secret. He, Michael Vaughn, is my handler." with a gesture to me. I smiled back at him and he turned away clearly uncomfortable with where this was going. "SD-6 isn't part of the CIA Dixon. You've been lied to."

"Sydney, what's really going on here?" Dixon asked not believing our story. I chuckled. Kind of ironic actually.

We'd worried about exposure all these years, here it was and the truth was just some unbelievable story to him. Dixon shot me a dirty look for my laugh.

God I wished it was just some made up tale.

"Dixon have you heard of the Alliance of twelve?" Dixon nodded. "SD-6 is part of the Alliance. I've spent the last seven years working as a double for the CIA. Did you never wonder at all those times we failed on a mission? Did you never wonder about all the fake artifacts we recovered? Do you remember six years ago when Sloane thought there was a mole? Dixon, I was the mole." She pleaded with him to understand. I could see in her eyes the fear that he wouldn't buy her story.

"No. Syd. If SD-6... I..."

"Dixon think about it. Did anyone ever offer you any proof that you were working for a branch of the CIA..." she turned to me for help.

"When SD-6 was invaded almost seven years ago you contacted Langley for help." I started to explain.

"They never showed up." Dixon interrupted.

"They did Dixon." Sydney took over again. "They had to pull out quickly however because if Sloane had found out then there would have been trouble."

"Berlin? The switched pick up site? Schiller? No one was following you were they?"

"No. Schiller wasn't Schiller but an undercover CIA agent."

"Argentina?"

"CIA extraction team." she answered quickly.

"Badenweiler?" Sydney looked away. She didn't want to tell him. I couldn't blame her. "Badenweiler?" he questioned again.

"It's not important." I broke in. "You don't want to know." I pleaded with him to drop it. Even after all these years it was a particularly sore spot for her. And it would be for him as well, when he found out about it.

He took the hint and the room dissolved into silence.

Sydney was still paying more attention to the wall then the the man sitting next to her on the bed. I couldn't help but worry about her. There had been other Badenweiler's along the way and I was sure she was playing back every one of them.

She always felt guilty about things she had no control over. Shifted blame.

"How did you find us?" I finally asked, hoping that it would draw them both out.

"Security cameras in the halls." he offered blankly. "I hacked into them, played back some footage and saw that's she'd left and come here about an hour after McKain left her room..." he was still digesting the previous information and his voice slowly faded into nothing.

"An hour? Are you sure?" Sydney suddenly spun to face him. I let out the breath I'd been holding ever since she'd told me McKain had drugged her.

"Yeah?" Dixon turned to her confused. She wrapped her arms around him and kissed his cheek.

"Why did McKain come here anyway?" Dixon asked.

"For this." I offered pulling the antidote out of the case I'd put it in.

"I thought you said you didn't get it?" Dixon turned to Syd and she offered him a weak smile. "Oh." He turned away from her angry.

"I didn't want to lie to you Dixon. But I didn't have a choice."

"What, you'd rather I keep working for the bad guys and not even know it? What, you'd rather I keep thinking I'm serving the country, that I'm saving the god damn country from people like Hassan, McKain? Damn it Syd you should have told me!" He'd started to pace and Sydney was struggling not to show the hurt he'd inflicted on her.

"It's not like that. She couldn't risk your life. She was doing you a favor. She couldn't volunteer you for double agent duty. She couldn't endanger your family like that. She couldn't make your choice. She's done nothing but worry about how you'll react to this. She hated lying to you. If you want to get mad at someone get mad at me. She doesn't deserve it." I demanded jumping to my feet, protective nature stepping up to bat.

Dixon and Sydney both just stared at me. Maybe I'd overreacted slightly.

Sydney started to smile and I couldn't stop an answering smile from creeping to my lips. She started to laugh. I couldn't help but join her. Her laugh is and has always been wonderful beyond anything that I've ever had the privilege to hear. It warms the coldest part of you and you find that resisting the urge to join in her chorus is impossible.

This was ridiculous.

Dixon looked at us as if we'd lost it.

"This...is...so...stupid." she got out between laughs. Dixon smiled.

"This is one of your worst nightmares isn't it?" Dixon asked still smiling. Sydney continued laughing but nodded in answer. Dixon turned to me and I confirmed it with a nod of my own.

"There's more to the story isn't there?"

"McKain wants to trade the antidote for information that could take down SD-6." I admitted between laughs.

God his laugh is sexy. Deep and heavenly.

It wasn't long before Dixon was laughing with us.

This moment was not going anything like I'd imagined it to. But then what ever does.

Maybe I should just stop imagining the worst case scenario.

It felt good to smile. And as Vaughn's eyes locked on mine I felt wonderful.

"I'm about to buy that lover story." Dixon threw in as our laughter dissolved. We both broke eye contact and looked away quickly. I was certain that my cheeks gave me away, that they turned multiple shades of pink. Dixon chuckled again and I peeked at Vaughn who was like me busy looking elsewhere, and had I not seen it myself I would never have believed it possible, but I did see it, I saw he was also busy blushing.

Which just made him all the more appealing.

"So when do we meet for the switch?" Dixon asked as if it really were that simple.

Maybe it was that simple. Maybe Vaughn and I were just distracting ourselves with useless extra factors.

Maybe we should just swap.

But then there was no guarantee that McKain wouldn't give us false information.

And there was every indication that McKain would sell the antidote to someone who could use it against us.

"It isn't that simple." Vaughn informed both of us. I agreed with the shake of my head. He was right it wasn't. We couldn't make it that simple either.

"Sydney do you still have the counterfeit?" Vaughn turned to me.

"No. McKain took it with him. Besides he said that the real one has a tag built into the lid. He identified mine as counterfeit easily." I answered glumly.

Dixon started to pace again and Vaughn sat down next to me on the bed.

"We're just going to have to double cross him." I offered. "I'm sure I can handle him. If not I've got you guys." I smiled hoping that Vaughn would go for it. I was worried that after last night he might shoot it down completely.

"I don't like it." Vaughn objected from beside me.

"Why not?" Dixon asked and I turned to him with questioning eyes.

"Syd. I don't think it's a good idea after last night." he tried again being careful not to overstep any lines.

It was sweet but annoying. If I'd known he was going to get all protective of me...

"Vaughn." I intoned slightly irritate. "This is my job."

"I still don't like it." he was stubborn I had to give him that.

"It doesn't matter if you like it or not." I answered through a clenched jaw. He was starting to piss me off.

"McKain won't care what you want either." he answered voice full of venom.

"Ok you two. I know that inner office relationships aren't easy but you two just need to step back for a minute. Vaughn she's right. It is her job and she's more then capable." Dixon interrupted.

"We don't have a relationship!" Vaughn exploded at Dixon.

"Who's fault is that anyway?" I asked angrily before thinking.

"As I recall it was you who drew that line." he threw out in my face. Like a slap. It stung.

"I'm not the one who ran off and got married." I taunted. It was hitting low. I knew that. I knew that he regretted his marriage, I knew it still haunted him. I regretted the words as soon as they'd left my mouth.

"Vaughn I'm sorry I..."

"No. No Syd you're right. Go get yourself killed. It's your job." he quickly left his spot next to me and retreated to the balcony.

I watched his form retreat with mouth open. I'd really screwed this one up.

"You ok kiddo?" Dixon asked coming over and sitting next to me.

"I didn't just do that did I?"

"I'm afraid you did." I nodded and let him put his arm around me and pull me close.

"We didn't used to be like this." I stated for no ones benefit. "I used to trust him with all my secrets. He used to believe in me. I don't know if he still does. If he ever can again... Dixon... Do you think he'll ever believe in me again?" My eyes had locked on a spot on the wall.

A rose. A white rose. The pattern on the wallpaper alternated between different flowers, roses, lilies, carnations, and so on. Wrapping around the wall. Closing in and suffocating.

"Syd. I don't think he ever stopped believing in you." Dixon had just met him, he couldn't know. He couldn't know of what Vaughn and I had been through. His words naive and uninformed as they were, were still a comfort.

I smiled up at him.

"You said that you found a note in my room?" I offered breaking away from his hug.

"Always business huh?" he smiled and produced the note.

I frowned as I read it. Maybe Vaughn was right after all. It didn't matter one way or another.

"Bad news?" Dixon asked questioning my frown.

"No and yeah. We gotta get moving McKain wants to meet at eleven." I let the note slip to the bed as I stood up and stretched.

"Would you mind telling Vaughn about the time development? I want to go shower." I knew I was trying to avoid another Vaughn confrontation.

"I think you should Syd."

"I can't. Not now." I flashed him a smile and disappeared out the door before he could object.

_**Chapter Fourteen** _

_**Waiting for Lightening** _

_Inside my skin there is this space. It twists and turns. It bleeds and aches.  
Inside my heart there's an empty room. It's waiting for lightning. It's waiting for you.  
And I am wanting. And I am needing you here. Inside the absence of fear._

_Muscle and sinew. Velvet and stone. This vessel is haunted.  
It creaks and moans. My bones call to you. In their separate skin.  
I make myself translucent. To let you in, for I am wanting. And I am needing of you here.  
Inside the absence of fear._

_There is this hunger. This restlessness inside of me._

_And it knows that you're no stranger. You're my gravity._

_My hands will adore you through all darkness and they will lay you out in moonlight and reinvent your name._

_For I am wanting you. And I am needing you here. I need you near. Inside the absence of fear._

_Absence of Fear-Jewel_

"You alright?"

"Fine." I clipped in answer to Dixon's question as he joined me on the balcony.

"So how long have you been in love with her?" I spun around and looked at him in amazement. He had some nerve. I thought we'd made it very clear that we didn't feel anything other then anger and hate toward each other. I thought we'd made it very clear that we resented each other.

"Gee and I thought we'd done a pretty good imitation at hate. I don't love her. I worry about her. There's a difference."

"Sure. Whatever you have to tell yourself."

"We aren't like that."

"I believe you."

"Yeah, whatever." I had my back to him again.

"I wouldn't blame you if you did though." he explained coming up beside me. "She loves you, you know. She'd never admit it but she does."

"Were you not in that room five minutes ago? And it's not just that. There was a time when I thought she felt the same. There are times when I think she feels the same. But it doesn't matter. We're so far apart now. I couldn't tell you what was going through her mind. I couldn't tell you what she wants in life anymore. I couldn't tell you anything about her. Before... I used to... Once upon a time I knew. I could tell you then that we felt something. That we had something. That I was the only person she truly confided in. Now... Well you saw us."

"Yeah I did see you. You're still head over heels for each other. It's still there."

"No." I offered weakly.

"What happened that changed things between you two?" he asked.

"SD-6 found out about me. Almost killed me. It killed us. I don't know. She pulled away, started dating Will, her best friend. I picked things up with my ex. Things just fell apart." I reflected.

"Did you ever think it was because she couldn't lose you too?" Dixon asked. I nodded.

"Seems like a logical solution doesn't it. I don't know anymore. She go back to her room?" I tried to change the subject.

"Said she wanted a shower." he supplied. I nodded and started back to my room. It was safe now.

Picking up a scrap of paper on my bed I twisted it in my fingers. I'd left my coin in LA regretfully. I could have really used it a few times on this mission.

"McKain wants to meet us at eleven." Dixon informed me. I nodded and let the paper slip from my fingers and onto the floor.

"I'm gonna shower. I'll meet you in Sydney's room in a half hour." I informed him and headed toward the bathroom.

I should really apologize to her for being so overbearing. Halfway to the bathroom I halted and turned to see Dixon pick of the scrap of paper and shove it in his pocket.

"Do you really think there's something between us?" I questioned. He smiled and nodded. I returned his smile and continued on my way to the shower.

I only wished I could believe it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Look Vaughn, we have to at least be civil to each other or this mission is gonna blow up in our faces." I commented to the man sitting to my side in the van. He'd been pretty much silent since he'd shown up in my room to finish planning this thing.

I knew it was my fault. I knew I should apologize. Part of me wanted to. But the other part of me was more then a little scared of his reaction. He was cold, stone faced, gone. Lost in some other place.

I hadn't feared a conversation with him this much since I found out that my mother was still alive.

Michael Vaughn can be rather intimidating at times.

This was silly not to mention stupid. I was trained to handle men twice his size, I was trained to manipulate men twice as smart. Why I find him intimidating at times is beyond me.

"Vaughn?" I reached out to grab his hand before even thinking about my actions.

He pulled away.

I deserved it.

"Look Syd, I'm not mad at you ok." he bit out.

"Really? Cause it looks that way." I couldn't bite it back even though I should have.

"Behave kids." Dixon tossed over his shoulder.

"You know Syd, for all the distance between us, you still seem to know exactly where to hit." he muttered under his breath.

"I'm sorry Vaughn. I shouldn't have said that to you." I answered back contritely. Any anger was quickly dissipating.

"But you did anyway. I'm trying real hard here not to be mad at you. I'm trying real hard to forget about it. But I just can't seem to do that." his voice seemed to be picking up anger along the way. Maybe talking about it wasn't such a good idea.

"Do you want to know why Syd? Do you want to know why that hurts so much? Why coming from you... Damn it Syd you shouldn't have said that!" it was a whispered yell. The kind of passionate outburst that was said through clenched teeth in one large huff of breath, hissed.

"Why does it hurt so much?" I asked innocently. We might as well get everything out in the open.

"Because." He grabbed my arm roughly and pulled me too him. His mouth crashed into my ear as he whispered fiercely. "Every time I was with Alice I was thinking about someone else." I swallowed the huge lump in my throat. "Every time I kissed Alice I was kissing someone else." Vaughn's grip on my arm only tightened, to the point of being painful. "We divorced because of me. Me and my ghost. Do you want to hazard a guess at the identity of my ghost or are we good?" he bit out pulling away from me.

"Let go of my arm." I ordered calmly.

His grip relaxed slightly but he didn't let go.

"Let go of my arm." my whispered calm turned threatening.

"No."

"Now Vaughn." He had some nerve, blaming me for his failed marriage.

"No."

"What is your problem?" I struggled to free myself as I demanded an answer.

"Are you two ok back there or do I need to pull over?" Dixon again butted in.

"We're fine." I bit out.

"Just peachy." he added glaring at me as I freed my arm.

I shoved him roughly away from me. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"You wanna know what's wrong with me? Fine. This is what's wrong with me." he gestured to nothing.

"You're gonna have to be a tad bit more specific here Vaughn!" we weren't trying to hide our anger from Dixon any longer.

The van stopped.

"When you two are finished let me know. We aren't going any farther until you two finish this." Dixon ordered sternly and started to exit the van.

"We're done." I yelled at Dixon.

"No we aren't." Vaughn interrupted earning an evil glare from me. "We'll be with you in a few minutes." he softened his tone for Dixon. Dixon left. Vaughn let into me.

"You want specific I'll give you specific."

"Don't bother. I don't care."

"Well isn't that just characteristic of you? You don't seem to care about much of anything do you?"

"Where the hell is all this coming from?" I laughed mocking him. He got in my face.

"I'm sick of this Syd. I'm sick and tired of this game. I'm sick of you running every time we have something that approaches what we used to have. I'm sick of you putting your job in front of your safety. God Syd you're walking into the lion's den and you know it!" I pushed him out of my face and he fell into a seat on the other side of the van. This time I got in his face.

"It's my job! I hate it, probably more then you do! I don't know what you want from me! We don't have a choice!"

"God Syd, you're this amazing woman, you're gorgeous, any guy would be crazy to let you get away! McKain is not going to keep his distance because you want him to! He's not going to give a shit what you want! There is always another way! Please, just... We can do this another way." he pleaded with me.

"Fuck you Vaughn! I hate you so much! Why can't you just... What do you want from me! Why the hell did you just turn up in Venice! How the hell can you sit there and say I'm this amazing person? You don't even know me anymore! Fuck you! What do you want from me?... What do you want..."

His fingers wrapped around my arms, his hands yanked me closer, throwing me off balance, sending me crashing into his lap. His hands traveled to my back and pulled me closer so I was straddling his lap.

"What do you think I want?" he asked calmly, one hand tracing a path down my cheek.

"I honestly don't know anymore." I whispered looking away. He pulled me to his chest.

My arms involuntarily wrapped around him as I buried my head in his neck.

He smelled so good. He was so real. Like maybe I wouldn't have to wake up from this dream. Like maybe this was really happening.

"I'm sorry, Syd." His hands danced along my back.

"I'm sorry too."

"I'm just worried about this." I knew he wasn't talking about the mission.

"Me too."

He pushed me away from him so he could look at me.

"Do you want to know what I want?" he asked. His eyes betraying his feelings.

I smiled and shook my head no. Playing with him.

"Come on. I promise you'll like it." he teased.

"I know I will." I smirked. "I'm pretty sure I already know." I pressed closer to him to remind him that I was still on his lap.

"Like I said earlier. Evil." he smiled and pushed me back.

"Please." he begged with mischief in his dark green eyes. His wonderful, laughing eyes.

I nodded. Screw protocol It just made us miserable.

McKain better not give us false information or I'd have to kill him.

He closed the distance between our lips.

Soft. Sweet. Hard. Strong. Short. Long. Deep. Earth shattering. More.

More then anything I'd imagined.

Better. Healing. Passionate. Pure.

Truth. Trust.

Honesty.

I was gone. Nothing was going to pull me back from this.

We sat with our foreheads pressed together saying nothing. There was nothing to say.

Words could never express what had just happened.

Words could never deny what just happened.

"It's nice to see you two finally getting along." Dixon chuckled at the two of us as he popped his head in the van to see if we were finished. "I hate to break this party up. But we've got to get going."

We nodded simultaneously and Vaughn pulled me to his chest again and held me the rest of the way to McKain's office.

_**Chapter Fifteen** _

_**Dealing With The Devil** _

It was stupid.

The plan we'd come up with. The plan that so much depended on.

I was going in with Vaughn. We'd make the switch and pretend to leave. Dixon would radio us when McKain left the antidote unattended and then we'd sneak in and steal it again.

It was insanely stupid. And we were insanely stupid if we thought it was going to be that easy.

The van pulled to a stop in front of the office building. The first two levels of which housed the offices of a few various companies. The third level held conference rooms and the ballroom that the party had been held in the previous night.

The fourth floor belonged entirely to McKain and from what I saw last night held his office and a few private galleries. Most of the fourth floor was open, the design allowing for wide openings in the walls rather then doorways and doors allowing any visitor to catch glimpses of McKain's acquired treasures as they made their way to one of two closed doors at the end of the hallway. Most visitors made their way to door number one, the one that closed his office off from the rest of the floor.

I knew from blueprints of the building that the other closed door lead to a bedroom. And from McKain's actions it wasn't hard for me to understand why.

The note he'd left spelled it out pretty clearly as well.

I clung to Vaughn's neck and let myself enjoy being in his arms. This was another one of those stupid mistakes we were sure to regret later. And I was pretty sure I would not be sitting in his lap again anytime soon.

He ran his hands down my back, bringing them to my waist he pushed me away from him then let his hands run down my thighs and land on my bent knees. Rational thought left me for a moment as he brushed a small kiss on my forehead.

"Come on. We have to get this over with." he gently prodded. I nodded, eyes closed, wondering just how I was supposed to remove myself from his lap.

Twice in two days. I'm thinking I like that record.

He ended the conflict in my head when his hands returned, slowly to my waist,--I don't think he could have made the movements any more enticingly slow if he tried, which I'm sure he did.-- and then lifted and placed me on my feet in front of him.

I almost removed his hands and sat back down again but they stayed firmly on my waist as he too stood, removing the temptation.

By this time Dixon had exited the front of the van and had joined us in the back. He handed us our coms. Mine, a set of diamond earrings. Vaughn's, a tie pin.

"Good luck." Dixon smiled and pushed us toward the exit.

Vaughn exited the van first and offered his hand to help me out. I noted how well it fit in mine as he helped me out of the van. I also noticed that ever since we'd arrived here the tension between us had gone up a notch... actually more like twenty or so notches. And it continued to rise.

Vaughn brushed a finger across the sensitive skin on the inside of my wrist.

And rise.

"Your tie." I stated and let myself straighten it.

And rise.

He brushed some hair behind my ear. "Thanks." he smiled.

And rise.

I smiled back.

And rise.

"Ok you two get in there." Dixon complained in my ear.

What had I been thinking? I couldn't afford to let Vaughn distract me, as pleasant as the distracting was.

I turned my back on him quickly and threw up as many walls as I could.

I stalked off quickly, leaving him to trail me.

"Where's the fire?" he asked halting me with his words.

"I just want to get this done with." I tossed over my shoulder, afraid that if I looked at him, the meeting would never happen.

"Liar." Dixon chuckled into our coms.

Vaughn laughed. "You think so too huh?" he questioned, mocking me.

"Look you two, we don't have time for games." This time I faced Vaughn.

"Syd. It's ok." Vaughn reassured reaching out and taking my hand.

It wasn't ok. McKain wasn't going to let him in with me. I was going to have to do this alone. And the price I might have to pay...

This was not ok.

"I'll be right there with you. If he tries anything..." Vaughn threatened. I offered him a smile.

He hadn't seen the note. He thought he would be there with me. And I didn't have the heart to tell him otherwise. I couldn't tell Dixon either. Way too much was riding on this for me to chicken out now.

I'd made sacrifices before for my job. This was just another one of those sacrifices.

"We can take him." I added to my smile, although who was supposed to be reassured by my comment I wasn't yet certain of.

He held my hand the rest of the way to the building. I didn't know if I let him or if he let me. I didn't have time to analyze it either. The answer was probably better left unknown anyway.

After this I'd have to stop relying on him so much.

We were met just inside the door by two guards. Two guards far too familiar for my liking. Even though my room had been dark I remembered them. I wasn't all to fond of the leering smiles they offered.

"That's far enough." They halted us by stepping in front of us.

"We have an appointment with McKain." Vaughn stepped in.

"That appointment is for one, Mr. Vaughn." apparently McKain had done the rest of his homework.

Vaughn turned to me and reached for my hand again, his expression telling me that I was not going in there with him. Telling me that he wouldn't let me.

I turned my back on him and focused on the ground by my feet.

"You knew." It was anguished, painfully so. Betrayed.

Some sick desire to torture myself made me turn back and look at him.

My eyes locked with his.

Why? His asked.

"You know why." I muttered looking away. Even in that moment, the moment I was supposed to be looking in his eyes, the moment I was supposed to fall back on our we aren't like that, our professional this is my job speech moment, even then I couldn't. I couldn't fall back. I couldn't look him in the eyes and tell him that his opinion didn't matter to me. I couldn't look him in the eyes and tell him that I wasn't worried, that this meeting would be pulled off fine, like so many others.

I guess we'd crossed that line one too many times.

I guess we'd gone too far to let me hurt him like that.

Because when I looked at him all I could see was a man that I never wanted to hurt. A man who'd never intentionally hurt me. A man who even now, when salvation was so close, would risk it all just to keep me safe.

I couldn't see my boss. I couldn't see professional.

I could only see my friend, the man who'd kissed me not ten minutes ago. The man who'd held me in his arms the night before, and seven long years ago. The one I'd run to when things got dark.

The room seemed to freeze around us. The guards held him back, he looked into my eyes. My eyes had somehow found his again.

Spinning, everything else was spinning around me. One of those, life altering moments where all you can think about is why you can't seem to move. Why everything seems to be moving at an odd pace?

My gaze travels to my feet, heels, it's always heels. I've learned how to run in them rather well. I remembered one of my first missions I fell and twisted my ankle.

"Syd?"

I ended up having to limp out of the compound. I almost didn't make it that time. It was the first mission I'd been on that really hit home. It was the first time I realized that this job could kill me.

"Syd!" his voice was angry now, it registered in the back of my mind.

That this job could really be what ended my life. Back then it didn't seem to matter as much. I didn't have many friends, I hadn't met Danny yet. And if I died serving my country then at least my life would have meant something to someone. Even if they never knew.

"Syd what's going on in there?" this time the voice was in my ear.

I remember I would slip my heels on late at night and go running. I wanted to make sure that I didn't slip up again. I could do so much good if I was alive.

It seems funny now, stupid too. And to think that it was all so I could do a better job at ruining lives. Fate really had a cruel sense of humor at times.

"McKain's expecting me." I stated turning toward the elevator.

I had a job. Whether or not I liked it meant nothing. It was my job.

"Go right on up Ms. Bristow. He's expecting you." I nodded my thanks and tried not to look as they helped Vaughn out the door.

If I thought about Vaughn then I wouldn't be able to do this, a tear started to well up in my eye. I brushed it away quickly.

I was not a victim. I am not a victim. He wouldn't make me one.

Still my hand unconsciously went up to my neck and butterflies welled up in my stomach.

I reached out to press the button for the third floor, there was no fourth floor button only a keyhole for it. And as I had no key I figured McKain wanted me to use the stairs on the third floor.

"I've got it Ms. Bristow." McKain's voice rang out eerily in the small space and I tried not to shudder.

______________________________________________

"What the hell!" I yelled and slammed my fist into the side of the van. "She knew he wasn't going to let me in with her. Damn it!"

"Calm down. She's trained for this. She'll be fine. She took him out last night." Dixon offered.

I let out a bitter laugh. Yeah when she was alone with him, when he trusted her.

He'd be ready for her now.

"He attacked her last night. Touched her." I was going to be sick and my expression and tone only confirmed it. "She was helpless then. He'll be ready for her and you know it." I sank to a seat and put my head down in order to prevent myself from getting sick all over the place.

Dixon had no words of encouragement.

_______________________________________________

The elevator lurched into motion and opened on the fourth floor.

I almost stayed in the elevator and pushed the button that would take me down to the first floor, to Vaughn and the safety his arms offered me.

But I figured that McKain wouldn't give me much of a choice, he obviously had control of the elevator and even if I'd wanted to I wouldn't have been able to go back.

The door opened into a long hallway which lead to the door to his office. The second door that I was very determined to avoid lay off to the left of his office, perpendicular to it. Immediately to my right lay the staircase that led up from the third floor.

The entire right half of the top floor could be viewed from where I stood by craning my head. The right hallway wall opened up in about ten or twelve spots that mirrored that of the left. One extra spot parallel to that of the bedroom door also dotted the right wall. The openness of the floor allowing for easy movement and adding to the majesty of the hallway.

The walls a striking white, almost blinding in the light that flooded his galleries. The platforms that held the various sculptures and antique or historic objects where the same blindly white. As if we were overcompensating for his faults with the color. As if this blinding white could blind the world to the obvious dark nature of his personality.

The lines, walls, platforms, even the art, was modern, clean, sharp, precise. The angles cutting but still pleasing. He'd taken time and expense to extremes in the design.

The floor in his galleries was a cold marble. More white then gray. Hard and clinical in a way. In the hallway the marble was covered with a deep crimson carpet, thick and soft. Contrasting the cold clinical detachment.

The walls in the hallway were empty, he kept all his art and hanging items in the galleries. Making the vast open hallway seem bigger and more intimidating then it actually was.

Even the ceiling seemed vast and far away. Intimidating.

At one time the building used to house a fifth floor, McKain had it removed in his remodeling job and had instead created a raised, arched ceiling. Making the visitor seem even smaller.

He'd done a good job at making his architecture intimidate and impress. It's simplicity and enormous nature saying nothing and everything at the same time.

My eyes traveled back to the door at the end of the hallway and locked on McKain's tall figure leaning lazily against the wall beside it.

"Ms. Bristow." he smiled. "Last night you were in such a hurry to get out of here I thought you might like a tour." he gestured toward the galleries on his right.

"I think I've seen enough. The information." I stated pulling the antidote out of my purse.

"Ms. Bristow. Please. I try not to mix business with pleasure. Except of course when my business is pleasure. Come. I'm sure you will find some of my collection interesting." He tossed out looking at me in a way that made me very uncomfortable. I tried not to show my discomfort but much to my dismay found myself shifting anyway.

"You seem tense. It may help you relax." He started toward me and I froze. He paused momentarily and smiled then continued his advance.

__________________________________________________

I listened raptly as McKain tried to talk her down.

"Don't let your guard down Syd." I ordered sternly into her ear.

If she could be so damn detached from this then I wasn't going to bring her back to reality. I was afraid that if I did she'd mess up.

She needed to cut every fucking person out of her life then she could do that. Not that I was too fond of it.

But then what did that matter.

What did I fucking matter in any of this?

She was the one up there with _him_. She was the one in trouble.

I focused on the flooring in the van.

Dark. Dirty. And dented.

_Business and pleasure. Pleasure and business._

I hit the wall again, slammed my open palm against the metal and bit back the pain that exploded through my cut hand.

Fuck him. If he touched her...

____________________________________________________

When he reached me I couldn't move.

Vaughn's voice in my ear allowed me to pull back from his arm as it eagerly tried to wrap itself around my waist. Offering him a silent thank you I pasted on a fake smile and let McKain take the antidote from my hand and put it in my purse for me.

If I seemed helpless now it might help me in the future.

He wouldn't be expecting me to kick the crap out of him, my smile became genuine at that thought.

He droned on and on about almost every item in his collection. I'd stopped listening about twenty minutes into the tour.

After I'd put up with his droning for a good hour I had to end it. He was going to drive me insane. Maybe that was his plan. Drive me insane with unusually boring information then just take the antidote from me when I dropped dead from boredom.

"As enjoyable as this is McKain... I'd really like to get down to business." I finally interrupted.

"Anything you wish love. Just let's move this into my office shall we." McKain smiled, unusually large.

Uncomfortably I followed him. Something was up.

"Ladies first." He gestured as he opened the door to his office and revealed three bodyguards. Reluctantly I stepped inside the office and he closed the door behind me.

"Witnesses love. I never do anything without them." He tried to assure me as he led me to a seat. I preferred standing, so that I could run quickly after I knocked him out. If I was going to have bodyguards to contend with I wanted every advantage I could get.

McKain made it clear however that if I didn't sit we would get nowhere. I sat.

"Let's get this unpleasantness over with shall we. The files." he handed me a three disks. "Now your turn."

I handed him the antidote and began to rise.

"No love. We aren't quite done yet. You wanted the antidote and I'm sure I can help you with that problem." He gestured to his guards and the started to advance.

One produced a syringe.

I didn't hesitate to run. I made it halfway down the hall before the stairs were blocked with bars that came down from the ceiling. I veered toward the elevator but as the door opened my two friends from downstairs appeared from within.

"Shit."

"Syd? What is it? What's the matter?" Vaughn practically yelled in my ear.

"McKain he's got the exits blocked." I yelled.

_________________________________________________

"McKain he's--------" her voice cut out.

"Damn their jamming her!" Dixon swore, this time he hit the wall.

"What does he want?" I started to pace. I knew what he wanted. She knew what he wanted.

"Wait a minute. I think I have the note that he left Syd." Dixon pulled a paper out of his pocket. The paper I'd played with earlier in my room.

I ripped it from his hands.

_Sydney,_

_Tomorrow at 11am let's finish this shall we love. Come alone. Your waiter friend won't appreciate some of the things I'd like to discuss. I promise you won't regret paying me a visit. I'll see you tomorrow love, sleep well. I know that I won't until you come to me. I'm sure we can make this pleasurable for everyone involved._

_McKain_

I threw the note at Dixon and took off.

___________________________________________________

I managed to ruin a few of McKain's prized possessions before his guards caught up with me. At least I'd have that.

"Let go of me." I squirmed as they carried me to his office again.

"Ah love you shouldn't fight so hard. You might hurt yourself." McKain chuckled as the guards threw me roughly back into the chair.

I started to bolt again but McKain's hands came down on my shoulders and pressed me into the chair rather painfully. I squirmed more and he pressed tighter.

"Don't make me hurt you." he whispered roughly in my ear.

I stopped moving.

"I'm willing to make another exchange." he continued and loosened his grip only slightly. "The antidote... for you." His right hand played in my hair and I cringed.

"I'm not interested." I bit out. "We are finished here." I stated again.

"Ms. Bristow. There's something you should know about me. I didn't get here sitting back and doing nothing. I get what I want Sydney. And I want you." he hissed through his teeth as he moved around to face me and grabbed my jaw roughly, locking it in position with one hand.

"Guess there's a first for everything." I hissed back and ripped his hand off of my jaw.

"Unlucky for you. This is not it." he smiled. My skin crawled as he gestured for the guard with the syringe. I tried to bolt again but McKain was behind me again he traced a hand down and up my arm before pushing me to the seat, fingers biting into my shoulders. "I really didn't want to have to do it this way but you've given me no choice."

I didn't flinch as the guard injected me with something I was sure would render movement impossible. Something I was sure would let McKain do what he wanted and give me no say in the matter.

I didn't give him tears. He wouldn't get tears from me again.

When the guard was done, McKain dismissed them and let go of my shoulders.

"I will be seeing you later." he smiled then turned to leave. "You're free to go." his smiled only heightened my fear.

I made it halfway to the door before I collapsed.

_**Chapter Sixteen** _

_**Comforting Lies** _

I didn't have any trouble getting to her. It seemed that McKain wanted me to find her.

The elevator took me up to the third floor and the stairs to the fourth remained unguarded. Nothing blocked the exits which only served to increase the fear growing in the pit of my stomach.

I found her lying helpless on the floor. Her eyes closed, her hand reaching toward the door I'd come in.

Her com was working again I noted as I heard Dixon's mumbled words over the deafening silence. The outrageously loud lack of noise.

"I'm with her." I mumbled quickly into the diamond earring on her ear, face hovering over hers. I turned the com off.

"Sydney wake up." I shook her lightly as one hand traced her cheek. Nothing.

She slumbered on.

Her face flushed, her skin burning. That was when I noticed the discarded needle, the puncture mark on her arm.

That's when it hit me.

What good is a antidote without a toxin?

Damn.

"Syd come on. Wake up." my voice wobbled. My hands dug into her arms, clinging to her, keeping me from losing it and her.

"Vaughn." her voice was weak and scratchy but it sounded as if heaven had open and angels had spoken. Her hands clung to my arms and she tried to pull herself up.

She couldn't. Her grip relaxed and her hands fell away as a look of absolute terror crossed her face.

"Vaughn I can't move my arms." she whispered weakly. I tried not to panic.

"It's ok. I always wanted to do this." I offered trying to be brave as I scooped her paralyzed form into my arms and tried not to show any signs of struggle as I stood.

"Paralysis is only temporary. However it is the most comfortable symptom. Stage two is not nearly as nice." McKain's voice came over a speaker mounted on the wall behind the desk.

"What did you do to her?" I demanded roughly, fearing that I already knew the answer.

"Ms. Bristow your knight in shinning armor isn't very patient is he. I on the other hand can wait forever. I'm afraid that you, Ms. Bristow, only have a good 48 hours left. Our little pathogen may not be all that stable, it may not be as fancy as some of the designer label models, but I assure you it does it's job."

I pulled her closer to me, her head rested on my chest and her voice, much stronger then a few minutes previous, spoke.

"He injected me with something." she offered. "I'd like to believe that it's the same thing he used last night but I'm pretty sure it isn't."

"Had enough yet Ms. Bristow? You know how to end this. Now come, lets put this all behind us shall we?"

I'm sure she would have cringed had she been able to.

Regardless her tone answered for her.

"Never." then to me. "Come on let's get out of here."

"Have it your way then Ms. Bristow. But you know where I am when you're tired of this game. I assure you death is certain if you leave here without my help."

I hesitated. I knew what he wanted from her. And I knew she'd never willingly give it to him.

"I'm fine Vaughn, he's bluffing. I'm feeling better already." she smiled up at me as if to prove her point. It only confirmed my fears. "Let's go Michael."

It wasn't the first time she'd used my first name.

Once before, before France and the SD-6 hit ordered on me, before we'd drifted apart, she'd used it.

She'd just learned some devastating news about her former boyfriend, Noah. Although they'd dated off and on since his return she'd never started a real relationship with him, always managing to keep herself just far enough away.

She didn't trust him she told me. She wanted to but she couldn't. I offered any help and advice that I could though it killed me to do so.

That day she'd found out that her suspicions about him were right. That he was K-Directorate, that he had been assigned to play her in the same way that Laura had played her father.

It tore her apart. And it tore me apart to see her so broken.

_"I'm here."_

_"Michael, why? Why does everything in my life have to be a lie? Why can't I just have one person know everything, be everything? I didn't want to be wrong about him. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. Michael I..."_

_"I'll always be here."_

I always wondered what she was going to say before I cut her off. I was afraid of it then. She'd looked in my eyes and for a moment it looked as if I was her whole world.

I've always second guessed that moment. I can't be sure of anything about it. But I'd like to believe that had I not cut her off she would have said something that, although we'd both regret it, would have been the only words that could cement our floundering relationship.

The words that would have saved us these past five years.

There was no way to change the past. We had no time machine and even if we had I don't think we could have changed the past. Some things just have to happen. Maybe we, what happened to us, the sacrifices we made, maybe it had to happen. Maybe we had to sacrifice so much in order to keep each other safe.

But it doesn't matter why we did what we did. Because as I looked down at her motionless form I knew I'd do it all again if it meant that someday I could be with her.

She used my name on purpose. She knew what it would do to me. And for that I was grateful.

McKain let us leave. Confirming my belief that he wasn't lying. That he knew we'd be back.

As I carried her down the stairs, she smiled up at me. I continued to frown, not because I was still angry at her but because I was worried to death that I might lose her.

"Vaughn, don't be mad. There was nothing that I could do. We needed those disks and you never would have let me go in alone."

It was easier to be mad at her then to worry for her life.

"Syd. I worried for good reason. Look at what happened." she smirked before answering. We'd come to the elevator and as the doors closed she answered.

"Hmm. Ok so I'm alone in an elevator in Michael Vaughn's arms. Sorry but I'm not seeing a down side to this." I tried hard not to smile but to no avail. But my smile faded quickly and I looked away from her, my eyes locking with the metal doors.

"Vaughn I'll be fine. Look I moved my toe. Aren't you proud?" she joked. I looked and it was the first time I noticed she was missing a shoe.

"What happened to your shoe?" I asked changing the subject.

"Well last time I checked it was lodged in some guard's eye." she smiled weakly. I chuckled.

"Only you Syd." I smiled.

"Only me what?"

"Nothing."

He was worried. I'm not blind. I knew this.

I'm was terrified but there is no way on earth he was going to find that out. He didn't need that.

I knew McKain wasn't lying. I knew that this was only going to get worse. Maybe part of me wanted to believe that he was lying, that I'd get over this and that whatever he injected into me would simply wear off.

I wanted so badly to reach out and smooth the wrinkle from his brow, kiss his lips into a smile, and run my hands over his tense muscles.

We can look but we can't touch. Ironic that this situation only went to prove that fact. Of all the side effects, this would have to be one of them.

I did move my toe though, and in fact my finger.

Relief flooded my system momentarily as feeling returned to my limbs. It was replaced quickly by dread however. What was next?

"Hey if you put me down I think I can do the whole standing thing on my own. It will look less suspicious that way." I informed him.

He seemed to consider it a moment.

"You've got seconds before those doors open Vaughn." I put in impatiently. He nodded and reluctantly set my feet on the ground. I wobbled and finally came to rest leaning heavily on his arm. Clinging to his suit jacket.

"You know, you don't always have to put on this tough act. I really wouldn't have minded carrying you to the van." He smiled.

"I know." I smiled back. I hoped that this new development would alleviate his fears. "Hey can you help me with my shoe? It will be easier to walk with no shoes then with only one."

I don't know how I was expecting him to take my shoe off. I was barely stable on two feet clinging to his arm. How on earth I was going to manage balancing on one even for a short amount of time was beyond me.

He answered my question however when he dropped on one knee and grabbed my waist, balancing me then plopping me down on his bent knee. I clung to his neck as he removed my shoe.

"I'd make a Cinderella joke right now but I don't think we need it." I laughed into his ear as the elevator began to spin around me and my stomach lurched.

I didn't fool him. It's like he has this weird radar that picks up on when I'm not feeling well. He's always known when something was bothering me, and now he seemed to have picked up on this new development as well.

Lacing his arm around my waist he crushed me to him and stood.

"You can put me down now." the elevator doors had opened and closed again. So much for leaving with a low profile.

"Funny... If I set you down you'd just go crashing into a wall or something. Tell me when the elevator stops spinning." he whispered into my ear crushing me even closer to him.

If I were taller my feet would be touching the ground, as it was they were only a few inches off of it. His arms were going to get tired eventually if they weren't already.

"Come on Vaughn. As nice as this is I'd rather get back to the hotel." my words betraying how truly awful I was starting to feel.

He set me on my feet and pushed the button to open the elevator door again. He turned back to face me as I clung to the wall. I knew he was waiting for some kind of confirmation. I only nodded weakly and pasted on a smile.

I know I shouldn't have depended on him so much. But I held out a hand anyway, he was right, I was so dizzy that I could barely keep myself on my feet. Walking would have been impossible.

He grabbed my hand and before I knew what had happened I was nestled between his arm and his side. One arm around my back, one hand pressing on my stomach to stabilize me. I leaned more heavily then I'd planned to on him.

"You know we should have done this a long time ago." I tried to joke as he started to lead me out to the van.

"You know I was thinking that we shouldn't ever do this." Vaughn put in. "I mean I'm not all that fond of this threat of death hanging over your head."

"Oh come on, you know you always wanted to be the big protector." I teased. "You always wanted me to need you."

"Not like this Syd." his voice was deathly serious. I wanted to cry. This mission more then any other in a long time... This mission was seriously screwing with my emotions.

She was getting worse by the minute. I wanted to go back up there and find McKain, bash his brains out and get the antidote. Screw the CIA, screw SD-6 and her cover.

If she didn't need me to help her to the van I would have gone right back up there and killed the bastard. But I knew she wanted me to stay with her, if only so that I didn't do something stupid like run off and get myself killed. If I didn't love her so much...

We didn't talk the rest of the way to the van. And I was almost carrying her as we covered the last ten yards. Still when Dixon threw open the door she pasted on a smile.

Comforting lies. She was trying so hard to give us something to cling to.

She kept her head in my lap the entire way to the boat. As if the constant contact with me would be reassuring... Just who it was suppose to reassure I wasn't sure.

She vomited on the gondola, right over the side. Then turned to me and laughed.

"This is not how I pictured this." she joked weakly. I pulled her into my lap and she rested her head against my chest. Rubbing her back I vowed once more to kill the bastard who did this to her.

His eyes were so full.

The fire of rage, the deep sadness and anguish, the guilt, and even some dim light of love I think. It was torture just looking at him. Concern etched in every wrinkled line on his forehead. This was killing him.

I could only imagine how helpless he must feel.

I considered turning around and doing the unimaginable just so that I could erase those lines from his face. But then I knew that other lines would take their place if I did turn around and do what McKain wanted. I knew that another fire would kindle in his eyes and a new pain fill his heart.

I couldn't hurt him like that. Not ever.

Maybe this was one of those reasons we were never supposed to get this close.

Actually I knew it was.

It was the exact reason we weren't supposed to get so attached.

Our jobs are dangerous. One of us could be killed on any mission. At anytime.

I just never thought it would happen to us.

I never thought I was invincible.

I knew that I could die. I knew that my job was dangerous.

I just thought that we were.

I thought that together we were invincible.

Even after all we'd been through. I always thought that we'd be a constant.

I guess I was wrong.

"I'm going to get the antidote." I stated to Dixon as we waited for her to come out of the bathroom.

"She isn't going to like it." Dixon answered.

"She isn't going to know. I want you to get her to the CIA safehouse. There are doctors there that can hopefully make this easier on her until I get back with the antidote."

"What about Sloane? We've yet to contact him. He's going to be curious. He may send someone out from a local branch to check up on us." Dixon interrupted not liking where this was going.

"Call her father. He's covered for her before he'll keep Sloane busy." I offered not knowing what else to tell him. "How long has she been in there?"

"Twenty minutes.” Dixon offered then gestured back at me. “You're bleeding again”

Looking down at that stupid cut hand, I ripped the bandage off, not needing the extra annoyance.

I wanted to run out the door and back to McKain but I needed to know that she was alright with me leaving.

Just as I was about to go knock on the door and beg for entrance she opened the door and came out.

"You know I think I just puked up my liver." she joked carrying the bucket that the hotel had supplied for trash and walking toward the bed behind where Dixon and I stood.

This was hell, watching her get worse and worse. Seeing the life drain from her eyes. And yet she still tried to calm our fears. I knew she must be terrified herself.

As she brushed by me she grabbed my hand and pulled me along after her. She collapsed on the bed, letting her fingers slip from mine as she landed. Dixon disappeared into the bathroom and returned with a wet towel for my hand.

"I'm going to go call her father." Dixon excused himself.

“You really should be more careful with that.” Syd teased as I wrapped my hand in the towel. “It probably needs a stitch or two.”

“Must have opened up again when I was hauling your ass back to the van.” I teased right back.

Her weak smile faded as reality crashed around us again and I tossed the dirty towel on the table by the bed.

We both knew what had to happen next.

"Syd I'm--" I started out kneeling by the side of her bed, my face inches from hers.

"No Vaughn. Stay here." she cut me off. "Don't do something stupid."

"You're going to be fine. I'm going to make sure of it." I struggled with the words. Her eyes betrayed everything in her. She gave up the act.

"He wasn't lying Vaughn. If I'm going to... I want you here with me." she choked out. I stroked the hair off her face and pressed my lips to her forehead. She was burning up.

I was losing her.

Maybe I should have taken lessons from Jack. Maybe I should never have come back from France. Maybe I should have done a lot of things. None of it really mattered. I can't change the past.

I fought them, the tears that wanted to come so badly. I wasn't going to cry. Not in front of her. Not now. I was going to be the strong one. This was not the end.

This was not the end.

She'd get better.

We'd take the information we got and bring down SD-6.

"Vaughn?" she voiced and I pulled back to look at her face again. "In case I don't get another opportunity, I need to tell you something..."

"Shh." I pressed a finger to her lips to silence her, her amazingly soft lips. I'd miss those. I'd miss they way the corners would turn up, the way they formed words. And even though I'd only gotten the opportunity to try it once, I'd miss the way they kissed.

"Comforting lies." she murmured.

I wasn't the strong one after all.

_**Chapter Seventeen** _

_**Unforeseen Events** _

I held his forehead pressed to mine as he fought against his tears.

I didn't want to let him go but he pulled away and turned his back on me.

I knew what he was thinking, how he thought he needed to be strong for me. I knew that he was busy kicking himself for letting me know how much this was hurting him. What he didn't realize however was that I would have known tears or not.

"Sorry." he muttered. I brought my hand down on his shoulder.

"Don't be." his hand reached up and grabbed mine giving it a squeeze.

Dixon walked back into the room and Vaughn turned to him, questioning.

"He's not answering." Dixon explained.

"Sloane probably has him busy." I muttered. Seven years ago he would be the last person I wanted to see. But right then all I really wanted was him to tell me it was going to be ok.

My father would fix things. He always somehow managed to save the day. I knew he wasn't perfect and that in this situation it would take more then some friendly persuasion to save us.

But I was clinging to any hope I had.

Vaughn turned to me, eyes locking, understanding. I knew he was going to leave me here with Dixon.

I knew he was going back.

"Be careful." I offered his favorite phrase. He smiled and traced a finger down my cheek.

"I'll be back in a little while and you'll be up on your feet again in no time." he pulled away and walked to the door. Turning to face me again at the door he offered another smile then left.

Fear filled me. I didn't know why but I had a sinking feeling that it wouldn't be enough. That when Vaughn did come back nothing would be the same ever again.

It was one of those moments that you always remember for some reason unknown to you. A million thoughts pass through you're mind and you don't know why but you know that something has changed.

And in the future years you're able to look back at it and say that was where it all went to hell. Even if you know that it wasn't. Even if you know that that was just the moment you realized you were screwed.

We were screwed. I didn't know how, or why. But I knew we were.

And if I had it all to do again... I probably never would have let him leave that room.

But we don't get the chance to change the past. And so he left.

"Syd..." Dixon questioned.

"Dixon would you mind leaving me alone for awhile." he nodded and followed Vaughn's earlier path.

_________________________________________________________________________

"Mr. Vaughn you can't go in there." One of the guards from earlier stepped in front of me. I noticed his partner was missing and wondered if he was still busy removing Syd's shoe.

"McKain and I have an appointment." I bit out and shoved him out of my way. He turned to grab me but a voice came over his radio and stopped him.

"It's alright. Let him up."

Too easy. I was missing something. Something big.

The queasy and uneasy feeling was telling me that there was something wrong. Something I didn't anticipate. And it was bugging the hell out of me trying to figure out just what that thing was.

I felt like I was purposely blinding myself to something.

And I knew I was ignoring the fact that all the optimism in the world wouldn't be enough.

McKain didn't give up that easily.

He always got what he wanted.

We were going to get hurt with this one. There was no way we wouldn't. McKain had been manipulating us from the moment he pulled Syd away from me last night.

This was just another one of his tricks.

_________________________________________________________________________

"Syd? Syd!" I heard his voice distantly. I tried to assure him that I was fine but I couldn't.

I'm sure the sight of me covered in a rash, burning up, and vomiting over the side of the bed did not alleviate any of his fears either.

He came toward me and I knew.

I knew now why we were screwed. I knew why even if he did get the antidote it wouldn't matter.

"No. Stay back Dixon." he halted.

What if...

_________________________________________________________________________

I made it to the elevator before I felt my legs slip out from under me.

Then I couldn't feel anything else.

It made sense.

"Did I fail to mention the highly contagious nature of our pathogen? You don't happen to have any open cuts do you, Mr. Vaughn? I bet you held her close all the way back to the hotel." McKain's voice echoed in the empty elevator.

Yeah, he failed to mention that. But we should have put it together on our own.

This should not have been such a surprise to me. I should have anticipated it.

But I didn't.

And now here I was helpless in McKain's hands. He could care less about me and if I were him I'd take care of me.

I'd eliminate the problem.

Funny I was coming to kill him and chances were he'd get to kill me instead.

_**Chapter Eighteen** _

_**Life Altering Decisions** _

"Welcome back Mr. Vaughn." McKain mocked. His guards had deposited me on a seat in his office and McKain smiled at me from across his desk, mocking me. "Now what was it you wanted to talk to me about?"

"You know why I'm here." I barely managed to let the growled words out.

"You know, I am not an unreasonable man." he stood up and walked around his desk. Dragging his hand on it's surface and stopping at the edge. Perching himself on the edge of it he continued. "Sydney knows how to stop this."

If I could have moved I would have ripped the smile right off of his face.

"...but I suppose you're right. After all she is no good to me like this. And I hear she's rather stubborn about these things. As I'm sure you know." his smile widened and I prayed for feeling to return to my limbs so I could kill him. I didn't care for his insinuations.

"...and as she is probably currently in no condition to make any decisions right now. I've decided to give you the antidote. After all I have the blueprints, and besides..." he smiled again and I felt feeling return to my limbs.

He stood up and walked behind his desk again, effectively timing his retreat so that now the desk lay between us again.

"...I only have enough for one anyway." His smile was pure evil.

"Bastard. How many innocent people are going to die because of this? You don't know how many people she could have inadvertently infected." I let out. My shock at his audacity evident in my voice.

"On the contrary. The pathogen is relatively unstable. It takes exposure to a direct source to contract it. One of it's little flaws. Once the pathogen leaves it's host if it's not immediately picked up it dies. It's not really the money maker we'd hoped it to be. But it has given us a place to begin." he reflected. "I really couldn't have planned this better you know. When you're gone things will be so much easier."

We'd done this to ourselves. McKain didn't need to manipulate us. We did it ourselves.

I didn't know which was worse.

Rules. I wondered if things would be different had we followed them.

I doubted it. I doubted I'd be able to keep my hands to myself when she was so obviously suffering. I didn't think all the rules we'd broken along the way would have made much of a difference.

When she got sick we seemed to throw the book away completely. Now there were new rules. Ones that we'd written.

I guess we didn't do a very good job with them.

"But I suppose I should get you the antidote before you can't get it back to her." He headed over to his safe and opened it pulling the antidote out. "How does it feel to be dying, Mr. Vaughn? Better yet how does if feel to know that because of your attachment to Sydney you're leaving her here alone, with me?"

I swore at him in french.

"Colorfully fluent in many languages I see. You know it's been nice doing business with you. And I think we're about equal." He handed me the antidote.

"Aren't you afraid of infection?" I bit out and grabbed his hand hoping that I could infect him and take him down with me. It was an ineffective and last ditch effort at revenge. I knew it. But I couldn't find myself caring.

"Mr. Vaughn. Really. You have quite the sense of humor. I'd never touch this stuff without first being protected against it. You surprise me with your lack of knowledge."

Of course. That would have been too easy.

His guards helped me out.

_________________________________________________________________________

"Syd!" she wasn't talking to him anymore. Dixon informed me as I entered her room.

"She said she was afraid she's contagious."

"She is." I answered sadly and held a hand out for Dixon to stay on his side of the room.

Kneeling by her side I pulled the antidote out of my pocket and grabbed her hand. Rubbing it between mine I called out to her.

The only time I would ever get to wake her up.

"Syd. Come on. Wake up." I gently prodded earning myself no response. "Damn it, Bristow."

Her eyes flew open and I chuckled. She had beautiful eyes. I always thought so. Eyes that haunted every thing I did for seven years. I loved those eyes.

"I'll remember that for next time." I smiled. If there was a next time. She smiled back.

"Hey." she croaked. I wondered if she'd figured it all out yet.

If she knew she was contagious, did she know that I was infected. I knew it wouldn't take her long to figure that out as well. I didn't have much time to disappear.

"I've got something you might be interested in." My head started to spin and I wasted no more time. I had to get out of here before she noticed anything.

"I'll be by later to check on you." I lied and she smiled and slipped back into unconsciousness. Beautiful. She'd always be. I'd cling to her face when she was gone.

So much I would have liked to tell her, but I knew it wouldn't be fair to her. It would be better if she never knew. Never knew how I'd give up anything just to see her smile, or how her smile still effected me in ways I couldn't control.

After seven years we'd done almost everything we could to prevent this from happening. But it was out of our control. That was the first time I realized just how much of our relationship we had control over.

Despite all our steps to stop it from progressing, it had. Despite all the things we'd both done intentionally to distance ourselves, despite the things we'd said intentionally to hurt each other...

It wasn't enough.

Perhaps nothing would have been.

No, I knew that nothing would have been enough, there was no perhaps about it.

Destiny, fate call it what you like but we were meant for each other. I only hoped that she would be ok when I was gone. I only hoped that she'd know.

I would have done anything for her. I guess I did.

"Take her home." I muttered then turned to go only to fall against the wall trying to steady myself.

Dixon's smile faded.

"He didn't have enough." I offered lamely and turned to face her. "Don't let her know."

That was the one thing she couldn't know.

I knew Sydney Bristow and I knew she'd blame herself. And I couldn't let that happen. It would be easier to think that I'd left. It would be easier on her to think that I had just packed up and left her.

Better for me to break her heart then to let her know the truth.

I'd much rather she hate me then herself. She still had to live with herself.

I turned my eyes back toward her. The rash had already started to fade and she was breathing easier. Peaceful.

"You aren't coming by later are you?" I shook my head no. No. I wouldn't.

"You know, we waited too long. We thought we had forever. We told ourselves that it would kill us to be together and ironically it did." I reflected aloud. "When she finds out... Tell her I'm not sorry." My head was swimming and I barely made it to her bathroom before I lost the contents of my stomach.

Twenty minutes later, with one last look I left them.

_________________________________________________________________________

I must have died.

A cold breeze on my cheek told me I hadn't though.

Stretching my full length I turned toward the source of the breeze and opened my eyes to darkness.

"Vaughn?" I called out. Things were finally going to work out. I just knew it.

We had the files. Vaughn had the antidote. We could go home and finally end this.

And maybe if I was lucky, Vaughn and I could finally figure out what this thing between us was.

"He's not here." Dixon answered and I noticed that Dixon stood to the side of my open window. Moonlight hitting his face. Strangely grave.

"What happened?" I asked warily.

"Come on. We've got a flight in a few hours." And like that my hope was gone.

I guess a part of me always knew that things like that didn't happen for us. That the situation always went from bad to worse and never from bad to good.

Destiny, fate call it what you like but it always seemed bound to screw us over in the end.

I felt stupid for getting my hopes up.

"Where is he?" Screw our flight. I wanted to see him. And Dixon's face was only making the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach grow. "I need to tell him something."

Dixon turned to me and offered a sympathetic smile.

And I knew.

I knew.

I tossed back the sheet and fought of a wave of dizziness as the blood rushed from my head.

"Syd. Don't." he begged me. I ignored him and flew from the room.

Somehow I knew how I'd find him. I knew that the nagging in my stomach was worry for him. And as my bare feet flew over the soft carpeting in the hallway, I knew that this was more serious then I knew.

The thumping of my feet on the floor, the feel of the cold tile on the stairs. Blue and green squares laid out to create patterns. Patterns. Order. I craved it.

The heavy echo of my panting breath beating off the walls in the stairwell. The cool smooth mahogany of the banister. All etched into my mind.

Vaughn was in a heap on his room's bathroom floor. More blue and green tile. More patterns but no order.

"I wanted to save you this." he whispered as I slid to the floor next to him and pulled him into my arms. "You didn't need to see this." True it was the last thing I needed to see. But that didn't mean I would just leave him.

"Don't make my choices for me." I offered stubbornly as I pulled him to his feet and to his bed.

"Sydney just go. An extraction team is on their way for me. If you're here they'll insist you come with them and it will blow your cover." he protested as I helped him into his bed. Always the one looking out for me and never thinking about himself. He truly was my guardian angel.

And it was about time I returned the favor.

"Then I guess my cover is blown."

"Don't do this Syd. We're so close." I silenced him with a finger on his lips. I always wanted to be allowed to do that.

Now an action like that seemed appropriate, even welcomed.

We weren't supposed to touch each other. I don't know if that was one of those technical rules in the official CIA handbook or if it was one of those unwritten mores we'd created for ourselves.

But it didn't really matter. We'd thrown those out awhile ago.

"I'm not leaving you alone." I answered stubbornly and traced my fingers across his fevered forehead. Maybe I was being stupid but I didn't care.

He sighed. And let a hand run clumsily down my cheek.

"I'm sorry." his words were weak. So unlike him. I hated seeing him like this.

"Don't Vaughn. McKain came through before. He'll do it again." I could be incredibly naive when I needed to be.

"Syd... " His brow was crinkled again. The perpetual worrier.

"Don't. Michael. I don't want to hear it. Please." Just let me believe.

He nodded and I laid my head on his chest.

I felt him slip into unconsciousness a few minutes later.

Still I didn't move, afraid that if I did that everything would be real. Knowing that if I did all the past would slip through my veiled eyes.

Knowing that if I did I'd never be able to keep myself from doing anything to save him.

McKain knew me better then I thought.

He knew that I would never in a million years agree to his demands to save myself.

But that if he hurt Vaughn...

My job. That's all it was.

Only it wasn't.

Now it was far too personal to be just my job.

Dixon opened the door and informed me that the extraction team was coming.

I had to go. I had to do whatever it took to get more of that antidote.

And I would.

I was not losing him now that I finally found him.

_**Chapter Nineteen** _

_**Wasted** _

"I knew you'd be back, love." he gloated from behind his desk. So sure of himself. So damn sure.

I hated that he had every right to be. That before this night was over, he'd have reason for his smile.

True, it was just my job, but that didn't mean I had to like it.

I had no plans for liking it.

In fact when it was all over, I planned on bathing in disinfectant for the next week. Just standing in his office made me want to go shower.

"Shut up, McKain." I stormed over to his desk, stopping just in front of him.

"What's the matter, love?" he asked, voice filled with innocence. A mocking innocence, one he clearly did not possess.

"I need the antidote."

"Yes, I know." He continued with that damn smile and it took everything in me not to remove it with my fist.

"We can do this the easy way or the hard way." I threatened.

"How do you like your eggs in the morning?" he propositioned.

"Unfertilized, thank you. The antidote. Or am I going to have to kick your ass?" I was more then ready to, and he more then had it coming. After everything he'd done he was lucky to still be standing.

When I finally did get the antidote he wouldn't be as lucky.

I had every intention of kicking his ass as soon as it was safely secure in my pocket.

I suppressed the smile that thought gave me. I didn't want him to think I was enjoying this.

When he was writhing on the ground bleeding, then I'd smile, and I'd make sure he saw it. Then I'd make sure it was the last thing he saw for a very long time.

"Sydney, I don't see why you do this to yourself. You know what you have to do. Now if I'm that unpleasant to you..." he trailed off. He was infuriating.

"Fuck off."

"I thought you'd never suggest it." Again with that smile. This was getting nowhere fast.

I didn't have time to play around with him. I needed the antidote now.

"You want me that bad, huh?" I tried another route. Slinking to the other side of the desk where he sat. Making sure my hips swayed just the right amount. Making sure my fingers dragged on his desk and played on his paperwork. Keeping my eyes downcast.

Using every trick I could think of.

"It's business, love." He stated, my new attitude not phasing him in the least. "And while we sit here negotiating I believe Mr. Vaughn is dying. Which I'm sure you'd love to remedy."

I gave up the act. It obviously was not working with him. Which made sense seeing as how he'd probably had it used on him at least once a day by the dozens of hopefuls I'd seen hanging on his every word last night.

"Why me?" If things had to go the way there were headed, I needed an answer.

"What can I say, I love the chase. You just make it worth it." He stood up and I let him grab me and pull me to him. "I guess I just covet other people's things." he whispered in my ear, sending chills down my spine. Unpleasant, revolting chills.

I tried to push away from him but found myself weak, wasted. The pathogen took more than I'd expected and had left me disgustingly weary in it's wake.

Maybe I'd always known the inevitability of it all. Maybe I just hadn't cared in the moment.

This was for Vaughn. I had to remember that. Or I'd have second thoughts.

"Let's move this to the other room then." I sighed.

Vaughn. For Vaughn.

His hand on my hips, my back, my arms. Running down my cheek.

I swallowed the bile.

It would be ok. I'd survive. I was just making this a bigger deal then it had to be.

I could always close my eyes and pretend.

It was a weak excuse, but it was all I had. When this was all over Vaughn could help me forget what I had to do. Vaughn's warmth could take away the chill McKain was sure to leave me with.

I tried to turn in his arms and head toward the other room but he prevented me.

"Not so fast, love. Last time you did more damage then good." He reached in a drawer by our hips and produced a velvet case. Opening it to reveal a store of pharmaceuticals. "To help you relax." he explained.

"I'm relaxed." If I had to do this I was not going to be under the influence of any drug. I needed some control. Otherwise it would be too much like... I needed control. If I had control then he was not hurting me.

"Do you want the antidote or not love?" My hand shook as I started to reach for the box. "I'll take care of you. Don't worry."

No. He would not make me a victim. He would not render me helpless. I would keep control. If that was the one thing that he could not have.

No.

"No." I tried the word out weakly. This went against everything.

Michael Vaughn.

Why hadn't we just followed those damn rules?

McKain wasn't relenting.

Time was running out.

"He will die." McKain added silently. Sealing my fate.

I could not let him die. I could not lose him.

That was the one thing that he couldn't have. I could part with any thing else.

But I could not lose Vaughn, my best friend, my guardian angel, my... The one person in my life I could trust. The one person I loved without question.

McKain could not have Vaughn.

I took a tablet and put it in my mouth. He smiled.

I don't know if it was out of weakness or something else. It doesn't really matter.

The room I never wanted to see was bigger then it appeared to be from the layout and blueprints.

And in contrast to the rest of the floor, it was furnished in dark tones.

Blood red, raven black. Mixing.

I wondered how many people he'd hurt in here. I shouldn't have. That was thinking like a victim and I was not a victim and he could not make me one.

Mixing. Scarlet and ebony.

His vast king size bed on the far wall, strikingly sticking out. Clothed in black. Set against a violent backdrop of red. The thick blood carpet, swallowing.

Animal print. Zebra sofa. Leopard pillows.

Pain. Death. Darkness. Everything the rest of the floor avoided. The room seemed to carry and aura of darkness. A feat I'd never experienced from any other room of it's kind.

As if McKain housed a dark secret within it's walls, as if it somehow managed to encompass all that was wrong in the world in it's deep blood walls.

He closed the door behind us. His hands found my waist from behind. Cold.

His hands were always so cold.

"I want to see the antidote." I couldn't believe I hadn't asked earlier. Why hadn't I asked earlier? What was wrong with me? What if he didn't have anymore? I'd just taken something that I was sure would start to kick in soon. What the hell had I been thinking?

"Afterward" he whispered in my ear, I fought the urge to cringe. He was too close.

"Now." his grip tightened, threatening.

He didn't have any more.

"You have nothing left to deal with do you, McKain. You gave Vaughn the antidote this afternoon and you don't have any fucking more." I squirmed in his arms. Fighting against him.

"It doesn't matter. You're staying anyway, love. You don't have much choice in it." I continued to fight against his restraining arms.

But I couldn't get away.

Control. Just like that, it had been taken from me.

No.

I had willingly given it up.

I'd rushed in. Not thinking. Not caring. Letting my emotions make my decisions.

And now Vaughn would die anyway.

I'd been warned about this. So many times. In so many ways.

But I'd been to stubborn to listen.

Did that make me deserving of this?

I prayed for a miracle.

Dixon didn't know where I was. I'd told him I was going to pack up my things, and he'd left me to do so.

Vaughn was probably already at the CIA safehouse and even if he wasn't, he was in no shape to come to my rescue here.

There was no one.

No. There was me. And he would not get anything from me.

It didn't take him long to get me to his bed. I struggled. But there was nothing left in me that the drug didn't dull. What the pathogen hadn't taken care of the drug did. I still fought. He would not take anything from me that I did not give him.

I kicked... screamed... bit... hit...

And he laughed... kissed... pushed... tore...

And then he stopped laughing.

_**Chapter Twenty** _

_**Bleeding** _

Silence.

His face twisted.

Warmth leaking through my clothes.

Red mixing with white.

Staining my shirt, staining me.

"Are you ok?"

Blood.

Everywhere.

McKain slipped.

Down. Off of me and on to the ground.

The red of the walls leaking on me.

"Syd. Are you ok?"

Shaking. Shaking me.

Dixon.

"Syd. Talk to me."

I laughed.

I looked at him and laughed.

I looked at my hands and laughed.

Vaughn.

I cried. The past slipped through my eyes.

The truth.

Bleeding.

Bleeding through my eyes. With my tears.

"He knew." it comes out strangled.

Vaughn had known there was only enough for one.

"He knew."

He’d given me the antidote anyway.

"He knew."

I repeated it as if it was the only thing in the world. The only thing I knew, or would ever know. As if it could save us all from this mess.

Dixon nodded and pulled me to him. Not caring that McKain's blood was now all over him as well.

Stained. Tainted. Broken.

When I asked him about cartoons I didn't know that he'd be dead within the week. When I complained about how he seemed so distant I didn't know he'd be gone.

My fault.

Bleeding, through my eyes.

"I need to see him."

"You can't."

"I have to."

"Syd."

"Please."

_____________________________________________________________________________

Dixon never could refuse me anything. He smuggled me in later that night.

Vaughn laid there, motionless. Hooked up to numerous machines. They breathed for him. They monitored his barely beating heart.

48 hours my ass. I wouldn't give him more then three.

I took his fevered hand in mine and tried to ignore the heat, the rash that covered it, the fact that it swelled. I was afraid to touch him, he looked so broken.

He didn't deserve to die like this. My mind flew at all the numerous possibilities. There had to be other ways to save him.

I had the antidote in my blood. Couldn't that help him?

I rushed to the door, but paused when I came up to it.

They wouldn't listen to me. They'd poke and prod until he was dead. My cover would be blown and SD-6 would never be taken down.

In the end I guess national security did win.

I guess my strict sense of wrong and right interfered and it wasn't enough to save the man I loved.

Maybe I was just being realistic.

I did the only thing I could.

Then I took his hand in mine once more, kissed it and asked him why.

How he could give me the antidote when he knew that he'd die without it. How I couldn't even stay to be tested.

So real. Everything was so real. The feelings I had for him had only grown. I did love him. With everything in me. Without him I had no idea how I would be able to continue fighting. He was what got me out of bed. He was what kept me fighting. The reason I didn't run away. The reason I was still breathing.

And now he was broken and I was alone.

I'd been alone before. But never like that.

Dixon said I'd only have a half hour with him. That the doctor's were keeping a close eye on him and that he would try to get me at least a half hour with him.

I spent my half hour listening to his silence. The steady beat of his monitor. Wondering if things could have been different. If there was some way, some little thing that I’d missed, that could ultimately save him.

We’d let ourselves be distracted. We’d screwed up. If there was anything… We had missed it.

I wondered if he knew I was there. If in those last few moments he heard my tears, felt them as they landed on his face, his chest, his hand. I wondered if he knew how much he meant to me.

If he knew why Will and I never worked out. If he knew that I could never give Will my heart because I’d already given it away.

I wondered if he was in pain, if he could feel anything at all.

I knew he couldn’t feel my heart breaking again. I knew he couldn’t know of the fear that dwelt in the shattered ruins.

I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him everything.

But wanting and doing are not the same thing. They never have been. Maybe that was our biggest mistake. Our biggest regret. We never really sorted the two out. And now we would have no second chance.

I tried to gather the happy memories I had of us. I wanted to bind those memories in a book that I could keep with me. I wanted to put the unhappy ones in another book that I could lock up in a closet somewhere to collect dust. But the photographs didn’t separate easily and I had a feeling I’d be spending the rest of my life trying to sort them out.

It would be easier for me to put them all in a box and forget. Or burn them. But I knew even then I wouldn’t be rid of them.

When I left, I left behind a vial of my blood, a note explaining the situation, and my heart.

I wanted to write him out of my life.

But wanting and doing are two different things.

And I wasn’t motivated enough to do.

_**Chapter Twenty-One** _

_**Leaving Venice** _

"I'm sorry Sydney. I know he meant a lot to you." I only nod.

He died an hour ago.

No it isn’t possible.

He died an hour ago.

Still it doesn’t want to sink in.

He died an hour ago.

My father was the one to deliver the news. I don't know why they chose him to tell me.

_"I know you two had inappropriate feelings for each other and I'm truly sorry that you had to go through this."_

_"Dad. Don't. I really don't need the lecture."_

_"I know Sydney. I'll be at the airport when you land. We'll talk there."_

For the first time in my life I didn't lie. I didn't tell my father that what Vaughn and I had was not important, was purely professional. I didn't lie to myself.

And now as I pack up my bags, Dixon stands concerned.

I know he's waiting for me to tell him that I'm ok. That I'll get over it and move on. That I did after Danny.

But I just don't feel like it anymore.

I know there isn't anyone waiting for me to call after a mission. I know there's no one left to check in with. And when it's too hard to get out of bed I know that there will be no one making me.

I only nod in answer to his questions, comments, and concerns. He seems to understand and limits conversation.

The plane ride seems short, I sleep most of the way. My body needs rest. My mind needs rest. I just want to shut down forever. Close my eyes and dream. Or not dream. At this point I don’t particularly care.

I don't want to face my father. I don't want to stop at the fucking "bank" before I go home.

I don't want to pretend I don't hate Sloane. I don't want to face him and tell him I failed.

There's no way on earth I'm giving him anything.

I don't know if I can lie convincingly right now.

I don't want to go home and face an empty house. Or call and tell Francie I'm home. Feed Will dinner.

I'm tired. So tired.

I just want to sleep forever.

I want to scream at Sloane, tell him that because of his mission I’ve lost someone else. Tell him that I’m sick of the lies. Tell him that I’m a double. Ask him to send me to Vaughn.

I want to be with Vaughn, and I know Sloane would help me with that.

I want to tell him the whole truth. Watch his face twist in betrayal. Watch as he orders my death.

I think I could get some sick thrill out of that. He thinks of me as his surrogate daughter. It would be hard for him to kill me. It would affect him. I want him to hurt.

For every way he hurt me.

I still feel like I’m bleeding. Like my heart just exploded and the blood is slowly seeping from my pores.

I wipe more tears from my cheeks.

I just want some truth. I want some meaning to all this. I want Vaughn’s death to be worth something.

I’m so tired of this. All of it. I just want to sleep forever.

But I don't.

I smile for my father. I smile for Sloane.

I even tell my father about Vaughn. I tell him I broke the rules with him. That I loved him. That he's gone and now I don't know if I can continue.

I don't tell Sloane anything. I lie through my teeth to him.

And I convince them I'm fine. That I'm just tired and disappointed that we didn't get the antidote.

Dixon tells Sloane about McKain and his paranoia. He tells Sloane that the safe was empty.

We concocted that story on the way over and my records match his perfectly.

Order. Our lies fit so well. It’s a false kind of order. The crisp papers filed in the sharp manila folders. The blunt scent of the well fitting lies, so convincing. This false order, so convincing.

Dixon asks me about the CIA and joining up. I tell him it will only screw him over in the end. That his life will be miserable and the people he loves will end up dead. I want to save him from my life. I wish he never found us. Because he's insistent now.

And the CIA is more then anxious to get another double.

When I hand Devlin the disks I demand a break. He only nods. Pretends to understand.

No one can though.

I know that when I get back I’ll be visiting Barnett. It goes without saying. I’ll probably be seeing the inside of her office more then my own home.

More files, these holding the awful truth. Dingy and dull. Creased edges. Chaos.

Reality.

A random set of motions in an insecure world. Not patterned or ordered. No predictability.

Reality.

My father arranged with Sloane to have me taken off active duty for a week.

Devlin gave me two.

Of course Devlin knows I just lost my best friend in the world and Sloane thinks... well I don't know what my father told him. I should find out though.

Vaughn.

I miss his voice already.

How I'm ever supposed to get through this is beyond me.

_**Chapter Twenty-Two** _

_**Breathing** _

A steady beep brings me back.

A heart monitor.

In a small bed of white, tubes connected everywhere. I don't quite remember how I got here.

I do remember that she was here.

I don't remember who she is. But I remember that she was here. And that fact is oddly more important to me then anything else.

"He's awake!" a nurse cries out when she stumbles in on me.

____________________________________________________________________

"It's very real." Weiss explains. He can hardly contain his excitement over the news. I can tell he’s been jumping up and down ever since he got the news.

Maybe it’s the unbelievable good nature of the news. But I’m still pessimistic. Skeptical.

Why should something work out? After every false hope. Every piece of misinformation. Why should this work so perfectly?

"You're not kidding? Is it enough?" the warehouse is cold. Has been ever since I started active duty a week ago. Weiss is an ok guy. I've never had a problem with him. But he's no Vaughn.

But then no one ever will be.

"It's enough." His tone is serious, carrying a considerably small amount of excitement. It’s focused.

I envy that. I wish I could be as focused.

But no I’m still staring at the floor and counting the mismatched stains, wondering what they came from. Wondering if it’s still raining outside. Wondering if I remembered to turn off the bathroom light this morning. Better yet if I remembered to take my keys out of the ignition before locking the door.

That could be a problem. I really don’t have the time to sit and wait for someone to come and unlock my door. Plus calling a locksmith might not be the best thing to do. If Sloane got wind of it then I’d probably have some explaining to do.

“Sydney are you alright?” His voice is distant. Only I know it’s not. It’s just me and the way I’ve tuned him out again.

“Yeah fine.” He seems satisfied.

“They’ll pay for what happened Sydney.” He tried again.

“Are we done?”

“Yeah.” I know I should try and be more friendly to him. Vaughn would have wanted me to treat his friend a little nicer. I owe it to him. But I’m tired and I might be locked out of my car. Not to mention slightly cranky.

Weiss’s words ring in my ears.

“ _They’ll pay for what happened Sydney.”_

I still wonder if it was worth the price we paid.

Vaughn would want me to get on with my life. He'd want me to start teaching, to meet people.

He'd even want me to date. He'd want me to find someone to share my life with now that I could.

He never wanted me to be alone.

Hell he’d want me to stop locking my damn keys in the car. I mean I’m supposed to be some super spy who can remember long strings of numbers after seeing them or hearing them only once. And here I am locking my damn keys in the car.

Maybe I will. For him. Not me. I couldn't care less about me.

I get to my car and reach into my pocket.

I guess I didn’t lock them in this time.

_____________________________________________________________________

Apparently I almost died.

The only thing that saved me was a mysterious vial of blood and a note. From her.

Her name is Sydney. I know this.

Facts are so reassuring to me.

I remember more every day.

A man visited me the other day. He was cold and worked well at intimidation.

He looked cut from stone. And he was very good at hiding his feelings, if he even had any.

He had orders from Devlin.

We were too attached.

I think I agree. From what I remember that is.

And the fact that I remembered her face, her voice, her touch, before I remembered my own name only goes to prove his words.

I was being reassigned to an office in New York when I returned to the country. Not that that was happening anytime soon.

I’m lucky to be alive. The pathogen did major damage, I’m told it’s going to take awhile to get back to where I was before it. I had more then a few brushes with death I’m told.

I am not to contact Ms. Bristow.

I'm thinking of saying screw it and contacting her anyway. She saved my life. She was my life at one time.

And I think I'm in love with her.

__________________________________________________________________

They threw a party for me.

I smile at all their faces. Marshall is there, Dixon is there, so many others are as well.

Now they are working for the CIA and gratitude is written on the countless faces.

But I don't feel grateful. And I don't deserve their praise.

Vaughn does.

But he's not here. And never will be.

He should be standing next to me.

I told Devlin I quit and then left the party thrown in my honor.

I went to the pier and cried instead.

_Chapter Twenty-Three_

_The Background_

_Everything is quiet since you're not around. And I live in the numbness now in the background_

_I do the things we did before. I walk Haight Street to the store._

_And they say where's that crazy girl you don't get drunk on red wine and fight no more.  
I don't see you anymore since the hospital. The plans I make still have you in them._

_Cause you come swimming into view. And I'm hanging on your words like I always used to do.  
The words they use so lightly I only feel for you. I only know because I carry you around._

_In the background. I'm in the background._

_Background-Third Eye Blind_

_  
_

It's been four months.

SD-6 is gone.

I'm teaching. I just started a week ago.

I don't know anymore. Where to go from here?

Sloane's eyes said it all.

Betrayal, hurt, disbelief.

I can't forget.

I can't forget. He hasn't left. He still sits on my shoulder and tells me what to do. He's tries so hard to make me want to get out of bed in the morning.

And I can't forget.

I can't get out of bed today. Sometimes that happens. Sometimes I can't move.

I have regrets. Things I should have said even if I knew they weren't smart to say. Things I wish I had told him.

Sometimes I go to the pier, the warehouse, the gas station even. They hold so many memories. It's painful to go grocery shopping at certain places. I can't go to some restaurants.

His ghost, the memories of our meetings. How precious they were in the beginning, the hope we had toward the end. It's all there.

And the feelings. They haven't gone away. Sometimes I wish they'd go away. Other times I hope that they never do.

Will and Francie tell me that I'm just at a rough patch in my life. They never knew about him. They asked me to see a therapist.

Francie asked me once why I was so sad. I told her I missed the man I didn't get to spend my life with. She assumed Danny. And I suppose in a way I do still miss him. But I was talking about Vaughn.

Sometimes I think I might tell them. About Vaughn anyway.

But then it's too real. The cut too fresh. And I can't do it.

I can't forget.

I never got to go to his funeral. I was still with SD-6 then. My father said it was a quiet affair. That it was a typical CIA funeral. But he wouldn't tell me where they buried him. I'm still angry about that.

No one will tell me. I know it's not going to make the hurt go away. But I'd like to go and see it for myself. I think they think they're protecting me in some way, but I don't know how not knowing where he is helps me.

I need closure.

  
I don't know how I'm supposed to plan anything anymore. I can't plan for tomorrow yet.

I thought that by throwing myself into something it would be easier for me. It was when Danny was gone.

But it isn't the same. Teaching doesn't include the same risks, doesn't have the same thrill. And I can't forget, my life doesn't depend on me forgetting.

His words still ring in my ears. I just want to forget. But I know I never will.

Ever.

Still. Everything is still. Numb. Existing. I guess I am.

Empty. Blank. Void.

Ironic. Four months ago this was what I wanted. No more missions. No more lies. I guess this is the best it gets. You can't have everything.

Still I think he'll always be there. True his arms can't hold me and that I'll never know what it's like to wake up with him next to me. I'll never feel his lips on mine or his hand in mine again.

Sometimes I wonder if it had to be this way. If there was another option. If I would have done what McKain wanted would he still be alive? Would he be here with me now?

I know I shouldn't feel guilty. But sometimes I do.

Sometimes I feel guilty about everything. From Will to McKain.

Sometimes I wish that I'd never gone to make the switch.

Maybe it's unpatriotic but sometimes I wish that SD-6 still ruled my life. That I still got Joey's Pizza calls, Franks Nursery calls. That the warehouse was the highlight of my day instead of a dead building full of life.

I go to the therapist, that Francie found for me after Barnett and I parted ways, once a week. I tell her about Vaughn.

She asks me about Danny and I tell her about Vaughn.

I tell her about the plans I'm still making. About how we never really got a chance.

Yesterday I told her about Michael. I separated the two for her. But I can't tell her more then that he was my boss. I can't tell her more then that he was someone I could never be with.

But I do tell her that I loved him.

She pretends to understand. She can't really. No one could really understand. I don't think I'll see her again. Not now that she knows. Because then she'll ask about Michael. And I'd rather talk about Danny.

Danny is a safe topic. Michael is not.

The world seems to keep spinning. But I can't keep up with it. I'm trying really hard but some days, like today, I just can't get out of bed. I just don't want to get out of bed. I just don't want to move.

_**Chapter Twenty-Four** _

_**Recovery** _

She's hauntingly beautiful. She always has been.

But her ghost… it’s a damn good reminder of what I’m missing. And makes the haunting part of her beauty all that more real. And fitting.

I'm working on getting a transfer to LA. I was informed by Weiss today that Sydney quit two months ago.

What the hell? Why had no one informed me?

Screw them. I was going back. Not contacting her after all this time was against my better judgment. But this was the last straw. The CIA had no say in my contacting her now.

So I put in for a transfer and I'm hoping they take me back. Not that it matters whether or not they do. I can always work somewhere else.

I’d be willing to work on mars if it meant I could see her again. If it meant we could finally be together or at least play at being together. Hell I’d give my right arm for just a dinner with her. Quite literally.

To say that I'm angry no one told me two months ago that it was safe for us... well that would be an understatement.

So enraged that words seem to twist on my tongue and all I could do when Weiss told me was mutter some twisted words that would have sounded something close to profanity in a few different countries.

They didn't see me sitting by my phone every night.

They didn't see all the times I called just to hear her say hello, knowing that I could never say anything back.

I think it's safe to say I'm justified in my anger. More then justified.

My stay in Venice lasted two months. And in those two months I realized a few things.

One, that when this was over, if it was ever over. I'd go after her.

Two, that I'd never let her go again.

And to learn that she's been free of SD-6 and the CIA ever since I returned... It makes me furious.

I hear the sadness in her voice. Every phone call. She never answers the phone like she used to.

And sometimes its Francie who answers. For weeks at a time it's Francie who answers. Which worries me.

I think she's staying with her. And the only reason I can think of for that is because Syd needs her.

And now...

I can't hide my happiness over seeing her again. Even now in my anger… my face is starting to hurt from smiling.

And the best thing about this whole thing is not that I can hold her hand in public. Years ago I thought that would be the best thing.

No. It will feel much better to put a picture of her on my desk. But that's not it either.

It's not that we don't have to worry about death every time we see each other. Or that I can finally tell her how I feel without fear that it will end up ruining things.

The best part is not that she's finally free of them. Or that I can give her that balcony she wanted.

The best part is that in less then twenty-four hours I'll be meeting her, in less then twenty-four hours I'll be holding her in my arms and telling her the things that I've always wanted to.

The best part is that in twenty-four hours I can start making every part the best part.

_**Chapter Twenty-Five** _

_**Joey's Pizza** _

"Syd. You've got to get up." Francie shoved me. "It's two in the afternoon."

She's been staying with me. She gets me out of bed and dressed and out of the house. But sometimes she isn't even enough.

I've never been a quitter. I've never just given up. I don't know why I seem to be doing just that.

"What is the matter Syd? Why won't you tell me?" She's been such a good friend and I do want to tell her about Michael but I'm afraid to. I don't know why I'm afraid to.

My therapist would probably tell me it's because I'm afraid to move on. That if I tell Francie it will make it real and I don't want it to be real.

"Rough night." I answer and roll to face her. I know my eyes are bloodshot and that they lend valuable credence to my claim.

"Nightmares?" Francie asks. I nod. Not so much as before, but they were there somewhere in the hazy memory of last night. Mostly though I just laid there and looked at the ceiling.

"Syd. Tell me about, Vaughn." Francie demands. I'm shocked because I don't know where she got the name. "You've said it in your sleep a few times." she explains. "I didn't want to pry but..."

It's time. I know it is. But that doesn't make it any easier.

I stare at the ceiling and wonder where to start. There is so much that she still can't know. And our lives were so twisted together in so many ways. Our story isn't simple. It's complicated, it twists and turns and changed daily.

I know that if I start in on it... I need to make it simple. I won't make it through the whole thing if I don't.

"We used to work together at the bank. He's dead." That should have been enough. But I don't leave it at that. "I loved him for years. Just when we were finally ready to admit our mutual feelings he contracted a deadly bug and died. It was sudden. We weren't expecting it." I pause and my eyes fill with tears. "I never told him how I felt." I'm crying now. I don't like crying.

Crying is weakness. I want to stop being so weak. I need to stop it.

Crying is why I didn't want to tell her more. I didn't think that much of the story would bring tears. I thought I was over them. It's so damn frustrating. I just want to be over them.

This isn't me. I don't act all soft and weak and turn into a crying mess over something that happened so long ago. I'm strong damn it.

"Syd. Why didn't you tell us?" Francie pulls my head into her lap and hugs me awkwardly.

The doorbell rings.

I pull away. "It's ok Francie. Get the door."

"I'll send them away."

"Thanks."

___________________________________________________________________________

I'm standing on her porch. I don't know what she'll say when she sees me. I only know what the first two words out of my mouth will be.

From there I'm depending entirely on her.

The door opens and it isn't her. I hold my tongue.

"Yes." I assume it's Francie.

"Is Sydney in?" I ask. Nervously shifting from side to side.

"She's not feeling well." Francie is cold and shooting me death like glares. I don't know why but she is.

"I need to see her. It's important." I say and push myself into her home.

I guess the four months without her have really gotten to me. Cause I know I never would have forced my way in before.

"Francie?" Syd's voice calls from the bedroom and I start toward her room. Her voice is so sad. So torn and bent.

"Where do you think you're going?" Francie puts a hand on my chest and stops me. "Look, I don't know who you are or how you know Syd, but you'd better back off or I'll call the cops."

"Please. Just ask her to see me. Tell her it's someone from the bank." I'm begging. It's not pretty but I need to see her and she's only a room away. And she needs me.

"Wait here." she sends me another look of distrust but she seems to have softened. Like she knows that I care.

I watch her disappear. I hear the muffled voices from the other room and Francie reappears with a sad look on her face.

"I'm sorry but you'll have to leave."

___________________________________________________________________________

"Syd there's someone who used to work with you at the bank out there. He won't go away. Insists that you see him." Francie tells me.

"Francie. I just... Not today ok. Tell him I'm sorry but I just can't." I assumed it was Marshall. He called the other day. Asked how I was doing and told me he wanted to visit. It could have been Weiss as well. He calls all the time and checks up on me.

There is something he doesn't want to tell me. I don't know, or care to know, what it is either.

Everyone knows about Vaughn. Funny everyone but my closest friends. It's no secret at the CIA and people like Marshall from SD-6 who are now employed there know more about Vaughn and I then we did. It's stupid really. If I had been given the choice they wouldn't know. But people ask questions.

And people are more then willing to talk.

I really don't care anymore. I just don't want another person visiting just to make sure I'm not falling apart. I don't want their pity. I just want to be left alone.

The door closes behind Francie again and I turn and face the opposite wall with a funny feeling. I turn to call her back but decide against it at the last minute.

Vaughn's dead. He can't be standing in my living room and it will only hurt me to believe that it's possible.

Still I feel... Like maybe it's possible.

______________________________________________________________________________

I didn't come halfway across the country to be pushed out of her house before I got to see her.

I am not about to leave without a hello.

Maybe we'd have to start over again. Maybe she'd be angry and tell me to get out of her life forever.

Maybe she'd hate me.

But I have to know. And I know that she has to know the truth.

I hadn't known what they told her happened till Weiss called yesterday. She certainly didn't need to be lied to again. And I'm more then pissed about that as well.

Jack Bristow better run far and fast the next time I see him.

I push Francie aside and head for her door. Francie tries to stop me but I'm not going to be stopped.

The door. I pause there. Suddenly afraid.

What if I'm wrong? What if it's too much for her? Why is she still in bed?

That's not Sydney behavior. Sydney is a fighter. Sydney does not give up.

Whether I'm alive or dead does not matter. It's been four months.

She should be able to get out of bed by now.

"Look I don't know who you are but you're going to have a lot of explaining to do." Francie was fuming.

I turn to her and smile offering a hand.

"Michael Vaughn." I'm surprised by her shocked look. Syd must have told her about me after all.

"But..." Francie stuttered.

"She doesn't know I'm still kicking. Could you do me a favor?" I'm chickening out. I know I am. I can't just barge into her room and demand that she take me back into her life.

Besides she needs to get out of bed.

I need her to get out of bed. I'm not going to see her until she does.

She's not a quitter and I'm angry that she's playing it that way.

I look at the now almost crushed flowers in my arms. Daisies, twelve of them. I smile.

"Give her these and tell her you got another Joey's pizza call." I back away from the door and hand her the flowers. "Don't tell her who I am ok?"

Francie smiles. She understands and seems to accept my plan.

I head for the warehouse.

_______________________________________________________________________________

"Hey you got flowers." Francie smiles and hands me the flowers.

Now I'm really confused. I have no clue who was in my living room. Not that it matters.

But oddly enough it does. I want to know.

"Did they leave a name?" I ask and Francie smiles.

"No. I asked but they refused to tell me." she answers. Who would make such a big deal about it? Francie sits down on my bed next to me and tugs the flowers out of my hands. "Hey you'll never guess who called earlier today." she continued.

"Who?" I ask still pondering the sender of the flowers.

"Do you remember way back when we kept getting those Joey's pizza calls? Well apparently our Joey's pizza caller has got your number again."

"What?" I'm slightly disoriented. What would the CIA want with me now?

"You know. The ones where some idiot kept asking if we were Joey's Pizza..." Francie tries to explain but I cut her off with a hand gesture.

Weiss better have something important to tell me cause I am not in the mood for his little games. Why the hell couldn't he call me like a normal person?

"Hey put those in water. I got some stuff I've got to do."

I get out of bed and walk over to my closet.

Francie nods and leaves.

Shower or not? I don't care how Weiss sees me and I'm coming straight home afterward anyway.

I vote on no shower and instead just pull a jacket on over my tank and drawstring pants.

I'm definitely not dressing for this.

**Chapter Twenty-Six**

**Never Thought**

It's been two months since I've stepped foot inside the warehouse. Well for business purposes anyway.

My heels don't click on the floor because I'm not wearing heels. I look down at my sneakers, comfortable, laid back. Everything is different here now.

I'm not watching where I'm going, not looking up. I don't see him waiting.

I walk right into his open arms not even knowing he's there until my face is buried in his chest.

Then I freeze. This is not Weiss.

_____________________________________________________________________________

She's stiff in my arms. I let her go and step back.

It was a stupid move on my part, the hug. Though I was expecting her to know who was waiting.

Apparently, she had no idea that it was me.

She reached up and cupped my face with her hands. Quietly questioning me and herself.

She didn't believe I was really here.

"Syd..."

"Don't let me wake up ok." then she was buried in my arms again, crying against my chest.

"Not until you want to." I whispered and kissed the crown of her head.

"You're dead. I'm losing it. I want this to be real. I want you. I love you, Michael. But you're not really here. You can't be. I don't like this dream anymore. I want to wake up." she cried into my neck.

"Hey, Syd..." I smile down at her intent on 'waking her up.' She looks up at me and I waste no time in capturing her lips with mine.

Soft like rain on the window on a hazy summer's night. Hypnotizing, mesmerizing, calming. Her lips felt like home, tasted like heaven, and quivered under mine. I could taste her tears, salty and sharp, her full lip so soft and vulnerable. Sweet like nectar.

She pulls back leaving her soul in my mouth.

My eyes are still closed when her palm smacks my cheek. Complete opposite of the kiss. Rough and sharp. Enraged.

"Bastard." she bit out and turned to run.

______________________________________________________________________________

Alive. He's alive.

My mind plays over the fact as my lips twist with his. Gentle, he's so gentle and careful.

I can't take it and I pull back fearing the pain he can cause with that mouth. The tears that will fall and mix with his words.

He hadn't tried to contact me in four months. He let me believe he was dead for four months.

And now here he is. Kissing me, treating me like his whore. I'm not going to let him.

The bastard could have told me he was alive.

He didn't have to break my heart a million times over. And I was not going to let him play me.

His cheek is real under my palm. My hand stings as I pull it away. My eyes sting. My heart... well it's somewhere under his feet.

I can't stay here.

I turn to run and he grabs my arm. His hand firm on my elbow. Fingers tightening as I struggle to pull away.

"Let go." my voice is cold venom. There is no mistaking my anger at him.

"Syd, I wanted to tell you. I never knew they told you I was dead."

Well I guess I could stay and listen to him. Apparently they lied to him too. But still he should have known that's what I'd think.

I turn to face him and a stupid tear falls down my face. No, he does not make me cry. Never.

His finger wipes it away and tilts my chin up to look at me.

I will not look at him or I'm gone. I know this. And I can not let this happen.

I look over his shoulder and he sighs.

"I called you almost every night." I slap the hand that keeps my chin propped up, away from my face and start to pace yelling all the while.

"Fuck you, Vaughn. You never called and you damn well know it. I thought you were dead for four months. I've been in hell for four months and you have no idea how awful it has been. Then you have the nerve to just pop back into my life when I'm finally starting to put you behind me."

"You can't even get out of bed. I don't call that dealing." he butted in.

"You did that to me. God Vaughn. I went back to McKain. I would have slept with him for that antidote. I would have sold my soul for you. And you don't even have the decency to let me know that you're ok. I thought I meant something to you but apparently you're just like McKain."

"I wanted to tell you Syd. I didn't know you thought I was dead. I thought they'd told you. Your father told me that I was being transferred to New York. That I couldn't have contact with you until SD-6 was taken down. And I knew he was right. Your cover would have been blown and then Sloane would have killed you. You think I went out and partied it up every night. God Syd. You were the first and last thing on my mind every damn day."

"SD-6 has been gone for two months, Vaughn. You couldn't pick up a phone in two months and tell me that you were alive. Now all of a sudden you want me to just accept the fact that your back. I can't do it Vaughn."

"Yesterday Weiss called me. Told me that SD-6 was taken down. That he was going against orders telling me. Something about having to wait until the CIA was sure that you were safe. He told me they'd told you I was dead. If I'd known Syd, I would have said something when I called. I would have let you know."

"What the hell did you think I'd think?"

"I thought your father would have told you."

“He didn’t.”

“I gathered as much.”

“No. I can’t do this. It isn’t enough. You should have said something. You should have known what I’d think. Hell Vaughn. You should have known.”

“ _Comment je pourrais le savoir_?”

I stopped pacing and raised an eyebrow at him. He was yelling at me in French. Which meant that I really must have hit a nerve. Well good.

“Je ne sais pas Vaughn. Je ne puis pas…” I didn’t know. I just felt. And the only thing I felt was awful the whole time.

“If I'd known, Syd…” He broke off and looked at the floor.

"So you really called huh?" he dared to smile.

"Almost everynight. And I must say you use some rather colorful adjectives."

"And you really thought about me?" he crossed the distance between us and held his hand out. I took it and he pulled me close and whispered his answer in my ear.

"More then I should. Mon rayon de soleil . More then anything else. Mon coeur. More then you'll ever know. Mis más profundos de secretos"

I pull back and look into his eyes questioning him.

“Far be it from me to dispute what you said. Cause damn, Vaughn… Spanish is sexy on you too. ” I smiled trying to ignore the overwhelming urge to kiss him.

“Te amo Sydney Bristow. Le deseo para el resto de mi vida.” He whispered in my ear, lips brushing. Stubble scratching and heat shooting through me.

"So are you gonna kiss me again or what?" I smile. I’d really love to hear him continue but right now kissing is definitely more important, not to mention a few other things I’d like to try with him.

“My deepest of secrets.” He translated. “I love you Sydney Bristow. I want you for the rest of my life.” he added between nibbling on my ear.

"mmm... Well you sure do talk a lot. I mean it's been four months and you're still talking. If you re---" my words are lost inside his mouth and it doesn't bother me at all.

He keeps getting better at that I think.

_**Epilogue...** _

_**Cartoons** _

She snuggles closer to him in her bed and he pulls her closer.

The TV blares, a talking rabbit, a coyote chasing a roadrunner.

She reaches for the remote in his hand and he pulls it away.

"Hey I'm watching cartoons." he protests and she smiles wickedly.

"Oh really?" she questions and starts to tickle him. She knows just where to tickle him for the best results.

He's laughing. She's laughing.

Cartoons are forgotten.

It's only taken them eight years to get here.

Sometimes she wonders if they'll always be together.

Sometimes he thinks about making her his forever.

But they are happy now and it's all they need at the moment.

Sunday mornings with her are about staying in bed till noon, watching cartoons, and relaxing.

Everything that they've ever wanted.

She teaches during the week. He's still at the CIA, but now the only thing he handles is paper work. He doesn't have any agents to look out for.

It's a joke between them now.

The past, the wait, the pain.

He knows when he looks in her eyes that he would have waited forever.

She knows when she looks in his eyes that forever wouldn't be all that long of a wait.

Her friends tease her about him and the way she drops everything when he needs something.

His friends tell him that she's got him wrapped around her finger.

Her therapist called the other day, said she was wondering how she was doing. He took the phone and told her that she was busily occupied with keeping her boss happy.

She smacked him and he pulled her close. They forgot to hang up the phone and he teases her about it. She wonders what the therapist thinks now.

She's no longer afraid that things are too good. They fight enough to make that bliss seem acceptable and real. She hasn't been this happy in a long time she tells him.

He's no longer afraid that something will come between them. Things aren't perfect and they probably will never be. But he tells her he's happier then he's ever been.

The remote falls to the floor and the laughter dissolves into silence.

"Why?" he asks. She knows he wants to know why she's still with him. Why she cares? Why she chose him?

"Because." she answers. He knows it's because she loves him. Because there will never be anyone else. Because. Just because.

He understands.

She smiles and kisses him.

They finally have their answer.


End file.
